God's Plans and Principles for A Christian Marriage

Gen. 2:24-25

While there are many voices of counsel and instruction for married couples, a Christian must be selective and discerning. Not everyone is speaking from God's perspective, and not everyone desires to see God glorified through the beauty of your marriage union. In fact many will tell you the Bible and God are no longer relevant and applicable. They are convinced that modern research and the latest fades will provide a lasting or solid foundation on which to build a life, a family, or a legacy. The problem is their ideas constantly require revisions, updates, adaptations, and overhauls. How can you know what to aim at for a solid family life when the target keeps moving? In some instances the target has disappeared altogether!
There is a better way! Read on to discover what the Designer of marriage and family had in mind when He brought the first couple together in holy wedlock. This article is actually a continuation of "What Is A Christian Marriage?" If you have not read the previous article, it may be helpful to do so later. Now, let us consider God's Plan, and Principles for a Christian Marriage.

A CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE EMPLOYS GOD’S PROGRAM FOR MARRIAGE--Gen. 2:24-25

The Divine Program includes God’s Plan, Principles, and Person.  Immediately we will consider the Plan and Principles and later we will look at the Person.

A.  HIS PROGRAM INVOLVES HIS PLAN.

   1.  Look to God’s Plan Because He Designed the Marriage Institution.  Gen. 2:24

Genesis 2:24 puts an emphasis upon two verbs: leave and cleave. 

      A.  God Specified the Need to Leave.  Gen. 2:24

The word “leave” means to abandon, forsake, to sever one relationship before establishing another.

            1.  Attach Your Whole Self to the New Relationship.

Unfortunately, many individuals do not make this break. They leave home physically but remain there psychologically. The attachment to home and parents should be replaced by the attachment to one's mate.  If  the New Relationship is going to flourish then all parent-child bonds must be cut.

                                                                                                                                              The Concept of “Leaving” Could be Seen in the Laws Pertaining to Marriage for the Children of Israel. Deut 24:5, When a man hath taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall he be charged with any business: but he shall be free at home one year, and shall cheer up his wife which he hath taken.

            2.  Now Consider What is NOT Meant By Leaving Father and Mother.    

                      A.  Do Not Disrespect or Dishonor Your Parents.

This does not mean disregarding or dishonoring one's parents, but rather breaking a tie to one's parents and assuming one's own responsibility for a spouse.

                      B.  Do Not Abandon or Ignore Your Parents.

This does not mean abandoning our parents or ignoring or mistreating or cutting off all contact with them.

                      C.  Become Socially Dependant on the Marriage.

It involves severing the tight emotional, security, financial, and physical bonds of dependence in order to give one's energies to the New Relationship.  If these ties are brought over into the marriage, it will hinder the bond of marriage from sealing.  Not even your children should come before your mate.

Secondly, Parents Must Release their Children to Enjoy The New Relationship.  This is the BEST present you can give to your son or daughter when they marry.  This is part of what is pictured in the wedding ceremony when the Father gives away the Bride.

               3.  Leaving Must Take Place in Three Major Areas.

                      A.  Leaving and Severance Must  Be Realized In Your Emotional Lives.

It is a tough thing for a mother to give up her son and a father to give up his little girl but this is a must. 

                             1.  Remove Yourself From Your Parents for Emotional Support.

No matter how strong the attachment, let them go as loving parents.  This means that the wife cannot run to mommy and daddy as soon as she is upset with her husband.  Nor should a son spend large quantities of his time with his father complaining about the inadequacies of your wife. 

                             2.  Turn To The Lord and Each Other for Emotional Strength.

Learn to rely on the Lord and each other for emotional support and strength.  If you need help beyond this seek the help of the Pastor and his wife!

                             3.  Parents Can make Emotional Problem Worse Because They Take Sides!

Please avoid using your parents because they tend to be a bit biased in their opinions.  This can cause more harm, emotional tension and resentment in the long run.

                      B.  Leaving and Severance Must Be Realized In Your Economical Life.

                              1.  Refuse to Borrow Money From Parents.

Borrowing from parents can get a New Couple into trouble if they are not careful.  When parents make loans to their children, they usually want a say in how the money is used.  This could not only cause problems between the parents giving the loan but also each member of the new marriage.  Also avoid having your parents co-sign for you on a loan for a house or a car it only give room for grave problems in the future.

                              2.  Live by a Financial Plan and Budget. 

Newlyweds should learn to  live according to their income and from a well thought out budget plan.  Plan your spending  and spend according to your plan. Remember it is NOT OK to run to mom and dad for money!   Leave room in your finances where the two of you can have fun together from time to time.  Strenuously avoid long term debts, if you do not the devil will use this like a weapon to destroy your relationship.

                      C.  Leaving and Severance Must Be Realized In Your Sense of Order and Authority.

                              1.  Accept Your Marriage as an Independent Equal to Your Parents.’

The Parental Authority over the child must be broken at the time the children marry.  Newlyweds need the freedom from Parents before they are able to give themselves fully to one another.  Though it is still a couple’s responsibility to respect and honor their parents the parents must now view the new couples as an independent and equal unit. 

                              2.  Never Spend Money on Parents Unless You Both Completely Agree.

It is NOT OK for wives or Husbands to cater to the whims and wishes of their parents at the expense of their immediate family.  The immediate family should never sacrifice for the needs of the parents in any way unless it has been fully discussed, completely understood and completely agreed upon by both members of the marriage.

                              3.  Regard God as the Authority Over Your Marriage and Not Your Parents.

Wives and Husbands alike must realize God’s Order for the home and build their home according. 

                                      A.  Husbands, Take The Lead.

The Husband MUST take his responsibilities seriously as the God ordain leader of his home! Serve the family unit by providing spiritual leadership and a godly example.

                                      B.  Wife Be Sure to Follow.

The wife MUST fulfill her responsibilities to follow and support her husband.  This is not a male chauvinist view; it is simply God’s Order for the home.  Parent cease to be the primary authority figure in the new couple’s life. That role belongs to the Lord Jesus Christ for each Christian home.

APPLICATION:  Determine to withdraw  yourself from your Parent-Child Relationship to give your New Relationship a fair opportunity to grow and flourish! A failure to do so will  hinder or threaten the progress and growth of your Marriage.  Learn to depend on God, each other and learn to meet the needs of  the other.  This will strengthen and build harmony into your relationship. It is right and well to seek outside counsel and help from godly parents, but it is better to consult with your pastor. He may be far more objective and fair as a counselor. 

      B.  God Specified the Need to Cleave.  Gen. 2:24

The second word, “cleave,” means to weld, grip or adhere together. The Lord Jesus clearly emphasized the commitment and permanent nature of marriage according to God’s original design!  Jesus does not believe in easy divorces!  He obviously believes that Marriage is an unconditional commitment to one's mate before God!

Matthew 19:3-6,  The Pharisees also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause? [4] And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, [5] And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? [6] Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

                                                                                  

             1.  Marriage is More than a Legal Contract.

Some psychologists, marriage counselors and ministers have suggested that marriage is a contract and many people are quick to agree.  But is this really true? Is marriage really a contract?

                    A.  Legal Contracts Have Conditional Clauses (Wright).

                          1.  Contracts Contain “If Clauses.”

In every contract there are certain conditional clauses. A contract is when two parties, whether they be companies or individuals, involves the responsibility of both parties to carry out their part of the bargain.

 These are CONDITIONAL CLAUSES or "IF CLAUSES " If you do this, the other person must do this, and if the other person does this, you must do this (Wright).

                          2.  Marriage Has No “If Clauses.”

But in the marriage relationship and the marriage ceremony there are no conditional clauses. Nowhere does the marriage ceremony say, "If the husband loves his wife then the wife continues in the contract." Or, "If the wife is submissive to her husband then the husband carries out the contract." Marriage is an unconditional commitment into which two people enter.

                    B.  Legal Contracts Have Escape Clauses (Wright).

In most contracts there are ESCAPE CLAUSES. An escape clause says that if the party of the first part does not carry out his responsibilities, then the party of the second part is absolved. If one person does not live up to his part of the bargain, the second person can get out of the contract. This is an escape clause. In marriage there is no escape clause.

             2.  Marriage is a Permanent Covenant. 

Genesis 2:24, Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.  

                  A.  Society Rejects This Divine Ideal of Permanence.

                       1.  In Favor of Easy Divorces, Co-Habitation, Fornication, and Promiscuity.

                       2.  In Favor of Homosexuality, and Same Sex Marriages.

                  B.  God Created This Enduring Ideal of Permanence. This is His design for a husband and a wife.

                         1.  Marriage is a Covenant.

Malachi 2:14, Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the Lord hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. 

Proverbs 2:17,  Which forsaketh the guide of her youth, and forgetteth the covenant of her God.

Malachi states that a wife is a man’s companion and she is the wife of his covenant.  Proverbs declares that the strange and adulterous woman has forgotten the covenant of her God– she has forsaken her marriage.  A covenant is a bond which unites people in mutual obligations. (Wright)   

                         2.  Marriage is a Consummation.  Genesis 2:24, ...“one flesh”

Marriage literally requires that there be a physical union between a husband and his wife.  But why?

                               A.  Marriage Was Design for the Physical Pleasure of the Couple.   

1 Cor. 7:2-5,  Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. [3] Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. [4] The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. [5] Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

1 Cor. 7:9,  But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.

                               B.  Jesus Commands Couples to Become One Flesh as God Intended.   

Matthew 19:5-6 And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? [6] Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

         

                               C.   Paul Defined “One Flesh” as a Physical Union.   

1 Cor. 6:16, What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh.

Therefore, the formal and legal agreement by itself does not constitute a marriage. Thus a man and woman are not joined at the altar with the preacher!  However, a physical union alone does not constitute a marriage either.  Adultery and Fornication are clearly declared sin in Scripture (see John 4:18; 1Cor. 7:2).

David Augsburger, Mennonite minister and author of Cherishable: Love and Marriage, defines marriage by first asking, 

Is marriage a private action of two persons in love, or a public act of two pledging a contract?" Then he goes on to say, "Neither. It is something other. Very much other!
"Basically the Christian view of marriage is not that it is primarily or even essentially a binding legal and social contract. The Christian understands marriage as a covenant made under God and in the presence of fellow members of the Christian family. Such a pledge endures, not because of the force of law or the fear of its sanctions, but because an unconditional covenant has been made. A covenant more solemn, more binding, more permanent than any legal contract. (Wright)

Dr. David Hubbard, president of Fuller Theological Seminary, has said:

Marriage does not demand perfection. But it must be given priority.  It is an institution for sinners.  No one else need apply.  But, it finds its fullest glory when sinners see it as God's way of leading us through His ultimate curriculum of love and righteousness. (H. Norman Wright)

APPLICATION:  In order to survive the difficulties you may encounter in your relationship, one must view their commitments to each other as irrevocable and a permanent bond.  Attach yourselves to each other like super glue!  Resolve in your heart that divorce is not even an option no matter what difficulties come your way.  It would even be wise to reaffirm this commitment to each other on anniversaries, birthdays, and New Years Day.  Look deep into your mate's eyes and recommit yourself to stick with and to them like SUPERGLUE no matter what difficulties, disagreements, and disappointments come your way. Plan to work through the challenges instead of searching for a way out. I am not suggesting any of this is easy; if it were easy then everyone would be doing it. 

APPLICATION:  Determine to “Cleave” To Your Spouse Until Death Divides You.  Refuse to give up on your Marriage by settling for a divorce.  Instead fight for the survival of your home. Stick to each other like SUPER GLUE.  Do not take the route of easy divorces, or divorce on the basis of  incompatibility! Just because it’s legal in the United States, does not means it is accepted by God!  Give room in your life to exercise FAITH, LOVE, FORGIVENESS, PATIENCE, PEACE, WISDOM in your relationship!  

Rom 7:1-3,  Know ye not, brethren, (for I speak to them that know the law,) how that the law hath dominion over a man as long as he liveth?  2     For the woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to her husband so long as he liveth; but if the husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of her husband.  3  So then if, while her husband liveth, she be married to another man, she shall be called an adulteress: but if her husband be dead, she is free from that law; so that she is no adulteress, though she be married to another man.

Couples Enter the Marriage Union Today With the Idea of  Divorces if They Incur Problems or Difficulties. I believe the Bible presents the ideal of marriage for life, though there are a few legitimate reasons for dissolution. The modern attitude of easy divorces is not at all what God has in mind. The old saying is “till death do us part” has become, “till debt do us part” or “till disagreement do us part” even “till other interests do us part” and maybe even “till someone else do us part.”

      C.  God Specified the Need to Become One Flesh.  Gen. 2:24

When a man "cleaves" to his wife, they become one flesh. The term "one flesh" is a beautiful capsule description of the oneness, completeness and permanence God intended in the marriage relationship. "One flesh" suggests a unique oneness—a total commitment to intimacy in all of life together, symbolized by sexual union.

             1.  One Plus One Equals One.  (1 + 1 = 1)

                 A.  You Retain Your Individual Identity.

In his book, The Essence of Marriage, ordained minister and marriage counselor Julius A. Fritze describes marriage as follows:

Marriage is an emotional fusion of two personalities into a functional operation, yet both retaining their own identities. The Biblical concept is contained in Genesis 2:24—'One flesh'.

                 B.  You Become One New Life Existing in Two Individuals.

Julius Fritze illustrates the marriage relationship by talking about two lumps of clay. He points out that if you were to hold a lump of dark green clay in your left hand and a lump of light green clay in your right hand, you could clearly see the different shades. However, if you were to take both of these pieces of clay and mold and push them together, you would see just one lump of green clay—at first glance. But if you were to inspect the lump closely you would see the distinct and separate lines of dark green and light green clay (Wright).

APPLICATION: This is like the marriage relationship—the two of you as husband and wife must blend together so that you appear as one, yet each retaining your own distinct identity or personality.  The marriage is one new life existing in two people. Christian marriage, however, involves more than the blending of two people. It also includes a third Person—Jesus Christ—who gives meaning, guidance and direction to the relationship. When Jesus Christ presides in a marriage, then and only then is it a Christian marriage (Wright).

            2.  One Flesh Is a Process of Blending Two Lives.

                 1.  This Oneness is Not Instantaneous and Magical!

Some couples expect this “oneness” to be “magic”“instantaneous” and “intuitive.”  When the marriage fails to meet this wrong expectations they view the relationship as hopeless.

                 2.  God Makes This Oneness Possible!

 But, is the whole thing hopeless? Not at all. Society has not provided a way to a truly happy marriage, but God has! God has given a definite pattern for marriage and if a man and woman will follow that pattern, they will find the happiness and harmony they seek.

Charles Shedd in his book, Letters to Phillip, tells the story of two rivers flowing smoothly and quietly along until they came together and joined. When this happened they clashed and hurled themselves at one another. As the newly formed river flowed downstream, however, it gradually quieted down and flowed smoothly again. But now it was much broader, more majestic and had much more power. Dr. Shedd suggests that

A good marriage is often like that. When two independent streams of existence come together, there will probably be some dashing of life against life at the juncture. Personalities rush against each other. Preferences clash. Ideas contend for power and habits vie for position. Sometimes like the waves, they throw up a spray that leaves you breathless and makes you wonder where has the loveliness gone. But that's all right. Like the two rivers, what comes out of their struggle may be something deeper, more powerful than what they were on their own.

APPLICATION: This blending process will require Christ and good communication.  Two Christians have the best possibilities for a happy marriage because they have a third Person—the Lord Jesus Christ—working with them and strengthening them. But there must be communication— between them and their Lord and between themselves. That's part of what a marriage is all about. Truly, communication– with Christ and each other– is the key to your marriage (Wright).

                                                         

   2.  Look to God’s Plan Because He Designed Marriage Intimacy.  Gen. 2:25

                                                                                             

      A.   Intimacy Follows “Leave,” “Cleave,” and “One Flesh.”

 Gen.2:25 . . . And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

              1.  The key to intimacy is the other three ingredients I just mentioned, Severance, Permanence, and Unity.  By becoming more proficient in these other three areas, you arrive at the forth one. 

              2.  Determine to Become More Intimate With your Spouse, Intellectually, Spiritually, Physically, Emotionally, and Socially.  Be transparent with your mate, be honest, open and don’t allow any offense to linger between you.

All of the principles must be accepted and each life must be honestly evaluated in order to realize the full blessings of following these instructions.

      B.  God Designed Marriage for Intimacy.  Gen. 2:25

The Jewish rabbis taught that man is restless while he misses the rib that was taken out of his side and the woman is restless until she gets under the arm of the man—from where she came. With all of the flap in recent years over women's lib, here is a majestic statement of just how the Bible views woman. She is not man's property.

She is man's partner—a full partner in every sense of the word.  St. Augustine lived in the fifth century, but what he said fits perfectly into today's heated discussions of women's rights. He wrote:"If God meant woman to rule over man, He would have taken her out of Adam's head. Had He designed her to be his slave, He would have taken her out of his feet. But God took woman out of man's side, for He made her to be a helpmate and an equal to him."

In his book, After You Said I Do Dwight Small emphasizes the Bible's consistent equalitarian and democratic view of marriage.  "There can be no true oneness," writes Small, "except as there is equal dignity and status for both partners. The wife who came from man's side is to stand at his side, to share every responsibility and enjoy every privilege. This is the goal."

Small goes on to admit that achieving this goal is not easy. What is needed is dialogue. He believes that "dialogue takes place when two people communicate the full meaning of their lives to one another, when they participate in each other's lives in the most meaningful ways in which they are capable."

B.  HIS PROGRAM INVOLVES HIS PRINCIPLES.

   1.  God Emphasized Total Commitment.  Genesis 2:18-24

From Genesis 2:18-24, you can gather three distinctly Christian views of marriage:

         A.  A Christian Marriage Is to Be Permanent, for Life.

When two become one flesh, there is to be no division, no severing, because of the irreparable damage that will occur.

         B.  A Christian Marriage Is to Be Monogamous.

There are examples of polygamy in Scripture, but these are descriptions of what men did, not of what Scripture teaches as good and right. Again, one flesh means one flesh. A man cannot become one flesh with more than one woman and have it mean what is meant here.

         C.  A Christian Marriage Demands Faithfulness.

Today's new morality claims that a man can become "one flesh" with as many women as he wishes, that fornication and a little adultery are "healthy" pastimes that broaden experience and deepen relationships.

   2.  God Rejects Society’s Confusion.

         A.  Don’t Compromise With Sin to Cope With Your Struggles!

Invariably, someone will advice a struggling couple or a disappointed and frustrated spouse to give up on their relationship.   They may say things like, “You don’t have to keep torturing yourself.  Just Bail out!  You’ve given it your best shot and it didn’t work; life is to short to be wasted in a losing battle.  Just give up on it!  Or at the least you can try an exciting affair.  Get a little fun back into your life, there are plenty of fish in the sea who want no commitments or strings attached.  Come on get with the times and stop being so Old Fashioned; things are a lot different now a days.....”

         B.  Reject Completely the “New Morality” of Today!

God's description of marriage, however, speaks of deep and lasting intimacy, a companionship between husband and wife that leads to mutual enrichment, happiness and welfare. Adultery is to marriage what a knife is to a back. Today's advocates of "new morality" can think of all kinds of excuses for adultery and fornication. They come up with what might be called a "pretzel" morality, in which facts, sound principles for good human relationships and responsibilities are all twisted and bent into shapes that seemingly, in some cases, justify infidelity as a "good and loving thing in the situation."

         C.  Receive Completely God’s Plan and Benefits.

As Dwight Small says in his book, Design for Christian Marriage,

A Christian marriage can never fail, but the people in that marriage can fail. There is a vast difference between the two possibilities. So if the marriage of two Christians seems to fail, it is either that they were ignorant of God's purposes, or unwilling to commit themselves to it.

Please take the time and spend the energy to understand these Bible principles as they apply to your marriage or your future. God's plans and principles do make for a happy and healthy marriage and home. I realize these concepts are foreign to modern thinking, but they still work when we work them. Christ Jesus is able to provide the wisdom and guidance you need to strengthen your marriage through the application of these holy ideas. Trust Him to do for you and your spouse what He has done for many other faithful Believers. May you know His very best and have the kind of marriage and home that is a blessing to you and glorifying to Him above all else.