“Adopting God’s Order for Husbands”
1 PETER 3:7
SUBJECT:
SUBMISSION AND MARRIAGE
THEME:
Each believing husband is to submit to God’s order in his marriage.
RELEVANCE:
the best husband first views his marriage as an expression of his submission to
the Lord. Abandoning the ‘traditional,’ ‘romantic,’ and ‘institutional’
models of marriage he freely clings to God’s Order. He is not loyal to his wife
primarily nor worldly models; the Christian husband is devoted to Christ first—above
all. He fully submits to Christ’s authority in his life and seeks to guides his
family accordingly.
INTRODUCTION:
First,
what is marital chaos? What is it like when matrimonial structure is absent?
“Marital
chaos is a state of severe, chronic conflict and instability within a
marriage, transforming it from a supportive partnership into a high-stress,
unpredictable environment. It is characterized by constant, intense arguments,
lack of trust, emotional distress, and potential, or actual, separation or
divorce. It often involves a breakdown in communication, with partners in a
cycle of hurt, blame, and, sometimes, apathy.”—AI Overview
Most
marriage problems are normal and often solvable with better communication,
clearer boundaries, and shared habits. The most common marriage issues
include communication breakdowns, intimacy changes, financial stress,
parenting conflict, and uneven household labor.—Matrimonial Chaos - Wikipedia
Beloved,
God’s Order or Marital chaos…there really is no serious comparison here. Again,
the common theme of the preceding chapter 1 Peter 2 and this one (Chapter 3) is
submission to the Lord even in unfair circumstances! Therefore, the husband
must likewise first accept God’s Order for marriage, which brings us to our
first observation and the continuance of hope or the establishment of the same.
MESSAGE:
HUSBANDS MUST ADOPT GOD’S ORDER IN MARRIAGE.
1 Pet 3:7, Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge,
giving honour unto the wife, as unto
the weaker vessel, and as being
heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
I. LIVE WITH CONSIDERATION FOR HER, Vs 7
Now
the apostle turns to husbands and
shows the corresponding duties they must fulfill. They should live
considerately with their wives, showing love, courtesy, and understanding.[1]
Peter
exhorted Christian husbands to give their wives two gifts of love:
understanding and respect.[2]
When a
Christian husband obeys the Lord in this regard, his wife will not legitimately
sense from him a lack of appreciation, mere utilitarian use, rejection, devaluation,
misunderstanding, distance, anger, frustration, criticism, jealousy,
inadequacy, or coldness. If any of these conditions really exist, there is a
solid platform to communicate with each other through the difficulties.
A. Consider Spending
Quality Time with Her. “Dwell with”
This phrase means to dwell together. It is
true we all want provisions, security, connection, and belonging, but a wife
needs these in a more amplified manner. Many of her needs are addressed by
spending quality time with her.
1) Understanding Her
Involves Building Depth in Your Relationship.
The Husband
is to actually spend some quality time with his wife. Husbands are to live with her in close togetherness.
This is much more than living under the same roof. This is instruction to take
responsibility for deepening your closeness. Often understanding requires
courage as a wife and patient consideration as a husband.
The
first protest of a good provider would be, “Well I’ve provided a nice home and a good living for her, what more
could she ask for.” The truth is that material things or animals can never
satisfy our sociological needs or our desires for thoughtful companionship.
Material things will answer some small physical needs but you both still require
the opportunity to share your souls with each other. The deepest sharing and
togetherness is with the Lord Jesus, but a second is throughout life a husband
and wife are to share themselves completely with each other. It takes real
courage and trust to deepen this dynamic.
Remember,
Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden demonstrated God’s design for marriage and
companionship—togetherness. Again, Gen 2:18, says, “And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be
alone; I will make him an help
meet for him.”
1) God
designed the profound community essentials of man to be meet through a human
counterpart, his wife. In Genesis 2:18, “help
meet” mean ‘helper,’ ‘succour,’ and
‘corresponding counterpart.’
2) A
husband, out of humility, has an innate
(inborn or essential) necessity to cultivate oneness with his wife. Most
godly men require the sweetness, sensitivity, and tenderness of a faithful
wife.
3) When
God provided Eve, all of Adam’s material needs were already satisfied before
his creation in the Garden of Eden. God helped him come to this conclusion—man needs
a corresponding counterpart in a wife.
4) Essentially,
God helped Adam recognize his personal and essential need for a wife, and Eve
was His provision. She was not intended to replace him, lead him, or compete
with him, but to serve God together with him as his appropriate helper. Her
role was different from the very beginning.
5) Eve
was created for the high purpose of being Adam’s most intimate companion. This
means that she was adequate for him, complemented him, and corresponded to him
and he to her. God intended for Adam to lead Eve from her very beginning.
6) Accordingly,
merely being a good provider for your wife and family does not satisfy all your
needs to connect with her deeply as companions.
There
will also be an element of mystery and intrigue, but a husband and wife are to
provide answers into each other that cannot be discovered with mothers,
fathers, sisters, and brothers. It means there is more to a godly woman than
the need to connect and there are more than a mere few choice things to
satisfying a man of God. It is the responsibility of a husband to lead this
exploration and remember the goal is holiness and not merely happiness. It
takes courage, humility, patience, and a willingness to grow together in the
Lord.
2) How Can We Build Deeper Understanding?
You must
spend meaningful time together! It may mean giving up a favorite TV series, fewer
trips to the gym, or the golf course. It may mean leaving the Internet alone
and disciplining the use of your time more. It may mean stopping the overtime
when you can avoid it and calling home when you must be late. Give her your
complete attention with listening, eye contact, and trying to empathize. Not
merely talking but dwelling with her! The following are some other helpful
suggestions.
a) Become Dissatisfied with Anything Less Then Oneness. View it as
inconsistent with the scripture to have a shallow affiliation with your wife.
Refuse to merely live together and just exist in the same household. Take some honest
inventory and endeavor to fix your relationship with the Lord’s guidance. Gen 2:24, Therefore shall a man leave his father and his
mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and
they shall be one flesh.
b) Create a Climate of Trust
We
must reassure our wives of our fidelity—our faithfulness. Leave no room for
doubt in her mind. Talk with her about anything she is uneasy with. Avoid little
white lies, withholding relevant information, emotional or literal disloyalty, harmful
flirtations which could create distrust, avoid harmful situations which could
lead to misunderstanding. It is only through a deepening sense of trust that we
develop greater intimacy with our wives.
c) Spend Time with Each Other
Intimacy
comes when two people spend quality time together. This means limiting our time
with ‘friends’ and social media to make time for your spouse…we treat the
marriage union as a priority. We need time to talk together, walk together,
celebrate together, think together, plan together, and dream together. Keep
your promises, you do not need to be too critical of every little things, and
face up to reality with the goal of becoming holy in the Lord. This does not
eliminate a husband’s leadership; it simply helps him understand his wife and
her need for assurance from you. With out this dimension in your marriage ‘something
will seem missing’…it will not provide the joy or insight God intended
and both of you so desperately need.
“Several years ago, a twister swept through the farmlands of Kansas and
touched down right of the farmhouse. The force of the wind lifted the room off
and set it down about fifty feet from the house. It also lifted the bed on
which the husband and wife were sleeping and set it down in the front yard. Immediately
the wife began to cry. “Don’t cry,” the husband consoled, “Everything is going
to be all right. You don’t have to be afraid.” The wife responded, “I’m not
crying because I’m afraid. I’m crying because I’m happy. This is the first time
in five years we’ve been out of the house together!”
God’s plan for your relationship
is that it be an ever growing and deepening experience with each other.
B. Consider
Limiting Social Media Involvement.
Social media outlets strive on female involvement
and use! Some women would be ashamed of some of the stuff they posted or their
general immodesty…advertisements…. Many western wives and potential wives were
ruined by social media! Avoid content creators who are not living examples of
what you want. Stir clear of worldly ideas from people more interested in the
algorithm and telling you what you want to hear because it secures them likes
and hearts. Remember they are trying to make a living on your engagements or
comments!
1) Secrecy
between a husband and wife is not a part of God’s plan for marriage.
Couples who cannot see each other’s online activities
or they do not share their social media accounts tend to be hiding something
about their online activity. God still can see when we obscure our actions
incognito! I have seen one member share freely their social media accounts
while the other member carefully concealed their actual activities. What
hypocrisy!
2) Options can
prevent total commitment to your spouse.
More options do not provide more clarity; they only
add to the confusion. Who is in your DMs? Who did you give your number to? Are
you using your phone to be sneaky and secretive? What situations do you
tolerate? Are you paralyzed by multiple options…unable to decide because you
are convinced you could do better? Have you ‘settled’ until something better
comes along?
3) Distrust multiplies
as your inconsistencies and lies become more evident.
Your activities poison your future relationship with
her because your character is gravely flawed. This is also true for her. Your
spouse detects the flaws early on, weather they say so or not…. The results are
eroded trust… loss of confidence…discarded or phony fidelity. Building a
foundation of reliability is vital for you both to grow in the Lord.
C. Consider the
Many Descriptions in Scripture.
1) The Book of Proverbs is packed
with warnings and illustrations of the wrong and correct type of person and
habits. We would be wise to pay careful attention.
2) The Bible is also replete with
portrayals of a God-fearing persons as well as examples of godless people. These
should inform and warn us.
3) While ‘perfection’ is out of the
question, growth starts with honesty—transparency, confessions, and
repentance—before God and integrity with your spouse.
4) Heb. 4:12, says, “For the word of God is quick,
and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the
dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a
discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart”.
The Word of
God as living, active, and penetrates deeply to judge the thoughts and goals we
have. Beloved, this is the transformative power of Scripture to convict, expose
inner motives, and reveal truth. God gave us His word to aid our exploration of
holiness, and to aids our marriages tremendously.
D. Consider Knowing
Her Well; Pay Attention to Her. “According to knowledge”
This
embraces the idea that husbands should actively study, understand, and respect
their wives’ specific needs, emotions, and character to build a thoughtful,
considerate, and loving marriage in Christ. We are to live with insight rather
than ignorance, providing tailored care, and honoring them as equal heirs of
God’s grace. This obviously requires you to pay attention to her.
Not
only should you know her favorite color, restaurant, or shoes, but you understand
best how she is put together. Husbands are to explore, investigate, and inquire
into her person; the inclination to be more self-centered is great, but you
need to pay some quality attention to her.
QUOTE:
“Your wife is a unique vessel, carefully
crafted and beautifully interwoven by her Creator. To “know your wife” means to
know the answers to the complex questions about her. What is her innermost make
up? What are her deepest concerns and fears? How do you help her work through
them in the safety and security of your love? What does she need from you? Why
does she respond as she does?”—Charles Swindoll
Gentlemen,
no one else can supply the answers to these questions about her. While more
experienced wives can provide helpful insight around certain duties and
obligations, a husband must have a curiosity that move him to understand her. Make
it your quest to regard the natural cycles and more intriguing mysteries of
your wife. As you do this, you’ll unlock other rooms and compartments of her
innermost being worthy of your exploration. Her opening up to you will become
normal and natural. Trust will escalate and understanding will increase. She is
not required to be mysterious or secretive, but men do not necessarily
understand women in general. This “knowledge” comes primarily as you cultivate
intimacy, it takes time. It takes listening. It takes paying attention,
concentrating, praying for insight, seeking understanding, and refusing to use
such knowledge against her. Ask God to help you understand her!
QUOTE: “Now, the
phrase, "according to knowledge," is descriptive of a man's manner of
life with his mate, a woman's need, wherein he studiously gives himself to the
task of perceiving her rather unique needs, and then follows in applying
himself to the skillful fulfillment of those needs. To live with a wife in an
understanding way is to dwell with her, guided by a correct assessment of her
womanly nature, and by a correct identification of her roles and her duties,
over against your own roles and duties. It speaks of a manner of living
characterized by sensitivity, by a close consideration of her femininity, and
by the needs and desires which properly emanate from both.
About his wife, a man needs to understand such things-as I
have been slow to understand-as that there
needs to be times when a woman can cry without giving her husband an objective
rationale to support it. Fourteen years I have been married, and while the
lesson is somewhere in my head, all too often there is failure on the practical
level-and an indictment, thus, of my manhood.
A man needs to live with his wife understanding such
things as her acute need, for the praise and the gratitude of her husband- understanding
her need for intimate and undistracted communication- understanding her
need for practical help with dishes and diapers and floors and vacuum cleaning,
etc., etc.- understanding her needs and her temperament, when the manner
of woman is upon her.
A true man is not a brute. He is a wise, perceptive and
lifelong student of his wife. And his understanding, first on the level of
perception, then works out on the level of skillful fulfillment of needs
perceived.”—George Mcdearmon
APPLICATION: Many wives would give their right arm for a
husband that really knows her. Few things give a woman more security than her
husband really understanding her. She may not even support each decision
enthusiastically, but she is confident she is understood. This is what results
in intimacy; it turns romance into a deep, lifelong agape-love. Frequent open and honest conversation will
help a couple to arrive at this reality. Do not ignore, disregard, and neglect her; refuse to allow yourself to
become indifferent towards her. “DWELL WITH HER ACCORDING TO KNOWLEDGE”!
For many men, there are no new discoveries here. Perhaps a
few reminders of how important this really is. To be a student of Christ is
essential for every believer and husbands need to be studious concerning their
wives. My biggest disappointment in myself is that I was never consistent in
this area. No doubt each marriage has special or infrequent developments that
have proved challenging and somewhat disconcerting, but it is always
advantageous to follow God’s order staying away from the possible chaos that
could ensue. Don’t allow yourself to be distracted by work, the house, the
yard, a hobby, sports, or even TV and the internet. Pay careful attention to
your wife; she represents a special gift from God to you specifically.
[2]
Roger M. Raymer, “1 Peter,” in The
Bible Knowledge Commentary: An Exposition of the Scriptures, ed. J. F.
Walvoord and R. B. Zuck, vol. 2 (Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1985), 849.
