What Makes A Marriage Christian?

Many people in the western world regard marriage as a secular institution subject to the whelms of society and culture. Many followers of Jesus Christ insist marriage is a divine/sacred institution subject to the guidance of God as stated in the Scriptures. As soon as we Christians make such a statement all kind of questions usually follow. Who did Cain marry? Is it okay to have more than one wife? Did Jesus support divorce? Was the Apostle Paul really a chauvinist? If marriage predates Christianity…why bother perusing a Christian marriage? I can assure you I have no intention of tackling such questions here. Instead I wish to explore some basic Bible teachings that when applied to a marriage union results in a “Christian Marriage.”

I should say from the outset I do believe marriage is between a man and a woman, and God performed the first wedding in the Garden of Eden when He united Adam and Eve. Marriage is his idea. One man to one woman for the remainder of their lives walking in the basic marriage principles God gave them is key (Gen. 2:21-25).  Also, the Bible records what happened historically regarding marriages (the good, the bad, and the ugly); some marriages are exemplary while others are not. These biblical occurrences are not automatically authoritative; the examples should not be understood as endorsements or prescription for us today. The Scriptures simply record the facts of what actually happened. The principles and teachings of Scripture on marriage are the key focuses; as we adopt these and obey God's guidance our marriages will become Christian in character. Yes, it is possible for two Christians to be married to each other and their marriage not be Christian in character. God’s Word and Christian principles must mark the union to make it Christian. So, what does this involve directly? 

A CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE ACCEPTS JESUS CHRIST AS LORD AND SAVIOR

Acts 4:12, Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other name under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved.

John 15:5,  I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing.

Just as God’s program for marriage involves His plan and principles, it also involves His Person. As we have before indicated, it necessitates Him being at the center of the marriage. Before you can know God’s Enduring Plan for Marriage that can make your marriage and family life meaningful, you must meet some basic requirements:

A.  YOU MUST BECOME A CHRISTIAN.

      1.  Recognize That You Too Are a Sinner.

Romans 3:23,  For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;

Romans 6:23, For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

      2.  Be Born Again Through Faith in Christ.

John 3:14-18,  And as Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, even so must the Son of man be lifted up: [15] That whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have eternal life.

    [16] For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. [17] For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.

    [18] He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.

  

      3.  Believe the Resurrected Savior and Ask Him to Save You Today.

Romans 10:9-13, That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. [10] For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. [11] For the scripture saith, Whosoever believeth on him shall not be ashamed. [12] For there is no difference between the Jew and the Greek: for the same Lord over all is rich unto all that call upon him. [13] For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.

The book of Genesis which introduces God’s plan can only be understood and acted upon by real believers.  The book of Ephesians, which discusses God’s plan for Married life, is also written directly to believers. If you’re not a believer, there is little hope that you can make your marriage and family anything near what God intends it to be.

B.  YOU MUST CHOOSE FULFILLMENT THROUGH CHRIST.

John 10:10, The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.

We receive life the moment we accept Christ as our Savior. After we are saved, we soon discover that there are various degrees of enjoyment in this new spiritual life. The more we turn ourselves and our relationships over to Christ and the control of the Holy Spirit, the more we enjoy the life which has been given to us. We not only have eternal life, but we have a more abundant fulfilling enjoyable and satisfying life experience. The same principle is true of our relationships when Christ is at the center.

                                                                                                         

     1.  God Offers Total Fulfillment and Strength Through Christ.

Galatians 2:20,  I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.   

Philip. 4:13,  I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

Christ adds the blessing when He is at the center of the matter and His will is faithfully pursued and obey in the lives of His subjects. We cannot merely try to use God to fix our marriages and then discard Him when we’ve reached our goals. God will faithfully strengthen you and your mate as you pursue His will; this is true for everything He wants you to do.  What He commands, He will enable us for and afford the necessary grace.

     2.  Unbelievers Cannot Realize This Abundance and Fulfillment on Their Own.

Now I’m not saying that nonbelievers can’t have meaningful relationships. They can—but only up to a point.

         A.  Unbelievers Will Never Know Total Relationship Fulfillment.

An individual can find total fulfillment only in a relationship with God!

         B.  No Marriage Can Be Totally Fulfilling Without THE AUTHOR of Fulfillment!

A marriage can find fulfillment only if its definition is designed and authored by God Himself. So, apart from knowing Jesus Christ, we can’t expect a marriage or family to be fulfilled, because God is the One who created man, invented marriage and the family, and wrote the book on how marriage is to function.

     3.  Focus on Christ and His Kingdom as Your Number One Priority!

Matthew 6:33, But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

         A.  Put God First in Your Life.     

         B.  Put God’s Righteous Character First. 

         C.  Trust God With the Needs in Your Marriage.

You nor your mate is the most important person in your marriage! God is! Make Him first and bring your marriage under His authority and blessing.

John 12:32, And I, if I be lifted up from the earth, will draw all men unto me.

C.  YOU MUST GIVE YOUR MARRIAGE TO THE LORD.

Ps 127:1-2, Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it: except the LORD keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain.  2,  It is vain for you to rise up early (Useless Anxiety), to sit up late (Fruitless Worry), to eat the bread of sorrows (Worthless Self Pity): for so he giveth his beloved sleep. (Rest and Dependence on God)

Our efforts without the Lord are described as “vain,” “useless,” “produces nothing.”  No matter what your skills, your strengths, your determination may be-all will be in vain unless God is truly The Builder.  We must become dependent on Him for life, for health, for strength, for practical wisdom, for a disposition to continue to build our homes, and for success in it. Without Him our efforts and work might be destroyed by spiritual fires, by a tempests, by an earthquake, or by an attack of our enemies!  For a promising and prosperous result, we must depend entirely on God.

     1.  The Lord Can “Build” and Develop Your Marriage With Certainty.

   

                 A.  Our Marriage Will Be Built or Rebuilt

Prov 24:3-4,  Through wisdom is an house builded; and by understanding it is established:  4,  And by knowledge shall the chambers be filled with all precious and pleasant riches.

The word “builded” in Prov. 24:3 has the idea of “Restoring”.  Its the concept of rebuilding something so that it flourishes.  Its the same idea as when God took Adams rib and rebuilt it into Eve.  The point is this: Any marriage can be restored or rebuilt! It is never to late for God but this will require some real wisdom! (Swindoll)

                 B.  Our Marriage Will Be Established or Reestablished

Establish means “to set in order, to place in an erect or upright position” something that is falling or twisted.  This will requires some true understanding.

                 C.  “Build” Implies Progress, Growth, Positive Development, and Change!

     2.  The Lord Can “Keep” and Protect Your Marriage With Certainty.

Psalm 127:1,  Except the Lord build the house, they labour in vain that build it: except the Lord keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain.

We have all been through the gates to the Post and witnessed first hand the efforts of securing and keeping the posts safe. Keep means basically the same in this verse.

                 A.  Our Marriage Will Be Kept and Guarded

The meaning of “Keep” is to hedge about, to protect, and to attend to.  God will preserve, propitiate the relationship that is committed to Him throughout your lives.

                 B.  Our Marriage Will Be Filled and Fulfilling

The idea conveyed here is that of “overflowing” real Fulfillment, Abundance and complete Satisfaction.  To realize this will require knowledge.

In summary this is what we have to look forward to when we follow God’s Plan; this is what His Program will afford!  You would have to be mentally blind to not see this as a excellent deal!

What I am saying here should serve as a great motivation to bring our marriages to the Lord.  This is like knowing the promising outcome even before we turn our relationships over to Him.  Anyone who truly cares about the welfare of their marriage would enthusiastically buy into this!  What God can potentially do in our relationships ought to be extremely inviting to us all!

Prov 24:3-4, Through wisdom is an house builded; and by understanding it is established:  4,  And by knowledge shall the chambers be filled with all precious and pleasant riches.

                  C. “Kept” Implies Security, Safety, Protection, Preciousness, and Value.

A CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE SUBMITS TO THE SPIRIT’S CONTROL  

Ephes. 5:18, And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit;

There’s more to having a meaningful and fulfilled marriage and family than just being a believer in Jesus Christ.   There is the need to walk daily in the power and counsel of the Holy Spirit of God!

A.  EACH MARRIED PARTNER SHOULD WALK IN THE POWER OF THE HOLY SPIRIT.

    1.  Who Is in Charge of You and Your Marriage?   Eph 5:18

Although Eph. 5:18, is often quoted in support of anti-drinking efforts, the underlying issue goes deeper than whether or not to drink alcohol. The more important concern is, what -- or who -- is going to be in control of your life? Either the Holy Spirit is, or something else is. And whatever else it may be, it's a poor substitute. Being filled with alcohol can make you lose control and do stupid things. Being filled with the Holy Spirit gives you self-control (Gal 5:23) and helps you worship God and serve others.

     2.  Constantly Live Under the Influence of the Holy Spirit.   Eph 5:18

The words "be filled" are a command for all believers, yet believers do not manufacture it -- God fills believers with his Spirit when they profess faith in Jesus Christ as Savior. Paul was suggesting that the believers in Ephesus needed to "continually be filled"; Since they already were indwelt by the Spirit they needed to be continually filled with the Spirit, that is keep on living like that.  The words are also in the present tense, indicating constant replenishment with the Spirit -- believers are not "once-and-for-all" filled but rather are continually being filled with the Spirit as they continue to walk with God.

     3.  Who is the Primary Influence in Your Life and Marriage?   Eph 5:19-21

We must learn to live UNDER THE INFLUENCE of the Holy Spirit each day and especially at home!

The effects of alcohol are obvious. What happens when we are under the influence of the Holy Spirit? In these verses, Paul lists three by-products of the Spirit's influence in our lives: speaking, singing, giving thanks, and submitting.

          A.  We Develop a Servant’s Heart.  Eph 5:19

When the Holy Spirit controls us, we speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs.

           B.  We Develop a Joyful Heart.  Eph 5:19

We  sing and make music in our hearts to the Lord.

           C.  We Develop a Thankful Heart.  Eph 5:20

And we "[give] thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." Paul did not intend to suggest that we only discuss religious matters, but that whatever we do or say should be permeated with an attitude of thankfulness to God and encouragement toward each other. Instead of whining and complaining -- which our culture has raised to an art form -- we are to focus on the goodness of God and his mercies toward us. Which is more characteristic of your words and attitudes?

            D.  We Develop a Submissive Heart.  Eph 5:21

This is the last participial phrase flowing out of being filled with the Spirit and functions to introduce verses 22-33. People often misunderstand the concept of submitting to another person. It does not mean becoming totally passive. Christ submitted his will to the Father, and we honor Christ by following his example. When we submit to God, we become more willing to obey his command to submit to others, that is, to subordinate our rights to theirs. In Paul's day, women, children, and slaves were to submit to the head of the family -- slaves would submit until they were freed, male children until they grew up, and women and girls their whole lives. Paul emphasized the equality of all believers in Christ (Gal 3:28), but he counseled all believers to submit to one another by choice. This kind of mutual submission preserves order and harmony. (MacDonald)

Submission provides evidence that we have Spirit-controlled relationships, and it requires the Holy Spirit's guidance and restraint (4:2-3). In the church, the believers should be willing to learn from, serve, give to, or be corrected by others in the fellowship. Such submission can allow growth both individually and corporately as the believers seek to follow Christ. Our motives should be "reverence" (literally, "fear") for Christ. We should not treat one another rightly just because it is expected or because we will be well regarded but because one day we must give account to Christ of how we have lived.

Submission: this verse acts as a hinge between the preceding verses that deal with wisdom and living under the influence of the Holy Spirit, and the following verses, which consider the relationships between husbands and wives and Christ and the church. In 5:21, Paul says that the one who is filled with the Spirit not only reflects God's goodness in speech and attitudes but also manifests it in willingness to submit to others out of reverence for Christ.Submission often has unpleasant implications for modern Christians, perhaps because this principle has been abused in the past and has been used to justify overbearing and self-serving behavior. But Jesus was willing to submit to the will of his Father and to the agonies of the cross. "Submission" is not a bad word. How do you respond to the idea of submitting to others? Are you willing to place the interests and desires of others ahead of your own in Jesus' name? (Source Unknown)

QUOTE: “The best thing a woman can do for her husband is to make it easy for him to do the will of God.”-- Elisabeth Elliot Gren

     4.   Feed Your Spouse With the Delicious Fruit of the Spirit in Your Life.

Galatians 5:22-23, But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, [23] Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.

         A.  The Fruit of the Spirit is One Super Multi-Fruit.

Have you ever heard of a multi-vitamin?  Well here is a multi-fruit!   In Gal. 5:25, Paul mentioned the fact that the Christian lives in the Spirit, that is, he derives his spiritual life from the indwelling Spirit of Christ.  This same spiritual life is the motivating force producing “the fruit of the Spirit.” The word fruit is singular, which shows that all of the elements of character spoken of in these verses are in perfect unity, oneness, and agreement making for a well-rounded and complete Christian life.

QUOTE: “The word fruit, being singular, as usual in Paul’s writings, tends to emphasize the unity and coherence of the life in the Spirit as opposed to the disorganization and instability of life under the dictates of the flesh. It is possible, also, that the singular may be intended to point to the person of Christ, in whom all these things are seen in their perfection. The Spirit seeks to produce these by reproducing Christ in the believer (Gal. 4:19). Passages like Rom 13:14 suggest that the moral problems of redeemed men and women can be solved by the adequacy of Christ when he is appropriated by faith.” --The Wycliffe Bible Commentary

Expect the Multi-fruit of the Spirit to construct you into a well-rounded believer. We are all familiar with people who had great potential, ability, and skills, but their weaknesses and lack of discipline greatly hindered them or literally destroyed them.  Certainly a well-balanced, symmetrical and well-arranged character is something to be desired.  It is true that we all have our own strengths, naturally given to us by God through our parents, but God offers additional strengths through the activity of the Holy Spirit.  This is necessary though we have certain qualities genetically, we also have weaknesses.  The Holy Spirit can amplify our strengths and improve our weaknesses and limit their impact on our lives.  The end result is a well-rounded believer living an effective Christian life unhampered by his own inherent weaknesses, frailties, flaws, and in-capabilities.  Instead of the person being an excessive talker with a harsh disposition, or mouth of the south who frequently says what comes to mind, they can be tempered by the Spirit through the fruit of temperance, meekness, and gentleness.  Instead of the individual being limited by or even ignoring God’s stated will by their paralyzing fears, they can be released by the power of the Spirit to boldly execute God’s plan by the qualities of faith, meekness, peace, and goodness.    

         B.  The Fruit of the Spirit is One Manifested Fruit.

The difference between the “works of the flesh” and “the fruit of the Spirit” is that the products of the flesh are plural, whereas the product of the Spirit is singular. Although Paul does not mention the truth here, there is also a contrast between the degrees to which “the works” and “the fruit” are produced. A given person may habitually practice only one or two, or perhaps a half dozen, of the sins Paul mentions in verses Gal. 5:19-21. But it would be practically impossible for one person to be habitually active in all of these sins. “The fruit of the Spirit,” on the other hand, is always produced completely in every believer, no matter how faintly evidenced its various manifestations may be.  Yes, in greater percentages in some areas, but still all characteristics are evident.

         C.  Remember Fruit is For Eating Not Displaying.

We must Remember That this Fruit Is Produced to Be Eaten, Not to Be Admired and Put on Display. People around us are starving for love, joy, peace, and all the other graces of the Spirit. When they find them in our lives, they know that we have something they lack.

We do not bear fruit for our own consumption; we bear fruit that others might be fed and helped, and that Christ might be glorified. The flesh may manufacture "results" that bring praise to us, but the flesh cannot bear fruit that brings glory to God. It takes patience, an atmosphere of the Spirit, walking in the light, the seed of the Word of God, and a sincere desire to honor Christ.  In short, the secret is the Holy Spirit. He alone can give us that freedom from sin and self. He enables us to fulfill the law of love, to overcome the flesh, and to bear fruit.  Will you yield to Him and let Him work?

B.  WHY DON’T EVERY CHRISTIAN HAVE A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE?

There are many Christians who know and love the Lord who are not living according to His moral, marital, or familial laws. Why?

      1.  Because They Are Not Filled with the Spirit.

It’s one thing to possess the Spirit of God and another to be filled by Him.

Ephes. 5:18,  And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit;

In other words, every Christian possesses the Spirit but is not always controlled by, or filled with, the Spirit.

But, how do we do this?    

         

            A.  Confess and Put Away All Known Sin.  1Jn. 1:5-9.

            B.  Yield Yourself Completely to His Control.  Rom. 12:1-2.

            C.  Let the Words of Christ Dwell In You Richly.  Col. 3:16; Eph. 5:19-21

            D.  Be Emptied of Selfishness.   Gal. 2:20

      2.  Because Carnality Can Only Cause More Discord and Disharmony.

1 Cor. 3:1-4,  And I, brethren, could not speak unto you as unto spiritual, but as unto carnal, even as unto babes in Christ. [2] I have fed you with milk, and not with meat: for hitherto ye were not able to bear it, neither yet now are ye able. [3] For ye are yet carnal: for whereas there is among you envying, and strife, and divisions, are ye not carnal, and walk as men? [4] For while one saith, I am of Paul; and another, I am of Apollos; are ye not carnal?

Spiritual immaturity and carnality is the primary reason that Christians fail in their marriages.  They may no even divorce each other but they are extremely unhappy.  And when we’re not controlled by the Spirit of God, our family life will manifest that– “envying, and strife, and divisions.” A carnal believer is going to have discord in his family because he has discord between himself and God. So, to be a believer is the starting point; but being controlled with the Spirit is what brings results.

C.  WHY DON’T COUNSELORS, BOOKS, AND SEMINARS SAVE MORE MARRIAGES?

We’re drowning in a sea of information on marriage today: marriage seminars, marriage conferences, marriage encounters, marriage books, and marriage counselors.

     1.  Turning to Therapists, Techniques, and Tools is Not Enough.

People think the first thing to do when they have a marital problem is to see a counselor, psychiatrist, or analyst, buy a supply of books, go to a seminar, listen to tapes, or fill out charts. I don’t want to oversimplify this, but if you’re not filled with the Spirit, you can do all those things, but none of them will matter.

     2. Turning to Biblical Instruction Without Wise and Thoughtful Application is FUTILE.

          A.  Strenuously Avoid the Mechanical Approach to Problem Solving.

Here we discover that a ‘mechanical’ or an instant ‘magic formula’ approach will only prove to be frustrating and unfulfilling----you must become the proper mate in your marriage by complete dependence on God!

          B.  Use the Right Spiritual Materials for Godly Instructions as a Must.   

              1.  The Word of God.

When we choose God’s Word as the primary tool of instruction for our marriages we have the right materials for building the best relationship.  But the right materials must still be wisely used or we will still have frustration and become disillusioned with God.

              2.  The Wisdom of God.                                                                              

Prov 24:3-4, Through wisdom is an house builded; and by understanding it is established:  4,  And by knowledge shall the chambers be filled with all precious and pleasant riches.

          C.  Thoughtfully and Wisely Apply God’s Word to Your Marriage.

The  Thoughtful  Application of the Word of God Is Necessary to Attain the Desired outcome and atmosphere in your marriage.

Prov 24:3-4, Through wisdom is an house builded; and by understanding it is established:  4,  And by knowledge shall the chambers be filled with all precious and pleasant riches.

               1.  There Are No Magic Formulas and Quick Solutions!

Again it is vitally important that you understand that I don’t have a bag full of “ magic formulas”  that you can take an pour on your relationship to make it better.  But, if you will take theses principles and apply them with wisdom then your marriage will improve because you have become the kind of husband or wife you should be!

                2.  There Are Wise Steps That We Can Take.  Prov 24:3-4

God is saying here in this verse that we need three essential skills, “SPECIAL INGREDIENTS,”  to become the proper mate God designed me to be, and they are: Wisdom, Knowledge, and Understanding.

                     A.  Be Sure to Use WISDOM and Discernment.

Wisdom is seeing with discernment.  It’s having a broad perspective.  The term stress accuracy, the ability to sense that which is beneath the surface.  You will need this vital skill to rebuild or build your marriage!

                     B.  Be Sure that You Respond With UNDERSTANDING.

Understanding is responding with insight.  This is a must to see your married established.  As I view things with discernment (from God’s perspective), I am better equipped to respond with insight, not to take it personally or feel the need to fight back.   You will need this vital skill to set your marriage in order!

                     C.  Be Sure to Pursue KNOWLEDGE and Truth.

Knowledge is learning with perception.  It includes having a teachable spirit, a willingness to hear, a desire to discover.  Knowledge includes taking the time and going to the trouble to learn.  Growing, healthy mates are in constant pursuit of truth. (Swindoll)

     D.  Choose an Attitude of Dependence on the Lord as an Imperative!

Prov 2:6,  For the LORD giveth wisdom: out of his mouth cometh knowledge and understanding.   (These come ONLY from the LORD, not a convenience Store!)

THE ONLY SOURCE OF TRUE WISDOM, UNDERSTANDING AND KNOWLEDGE IS THE LORD!

When we combine these verses they teach the following: (Swindoll)

“By means of Wisdom--the skill to see with discernment, maintaining a broad view of life---a house is built, restored so that those within it don’t simply exist, they flourish, they reach their potential. 

By means of Understanding---the ability to respond with insight, gaining a full awareness of situations that results in an insightful  response rather than a surface reaction----one brings order and upright condition back to a marriage and home.

By means of Knowledge---the willingness to learn with perception, becoming acquainted with the facts and grasping their significance so that ignorance is dispelled and truth is continually pursued---one causes each life to be filled to overflowing with riches that can never be destroyed, like memories, positive attitudes, mutual respect, and a depth of character.”

Now you see its not a mechanical quick fix, its a spiritual process in which we become the proper mate through dependence on God!  Therefore depend on him to supply these needed skills to build your marriage!

     3.  Turn to The Spirit of God That He Might Transform You and Your Marriage.

On the other hand, if you’re filled with the Spirit, He’ll control your relationships.

           A.  Good Books May Help.

Now counseling, books, and seminars can be helpful in giving you practical hints on how being filled with the Spirit should work itself out in your relationships.

           B.  God’s Spirit Builds Relationships.

But the epitome of the Christian life is to be filled and controlled by the Holy Spirit. Only when that happens will our marriages and families be what God intended in the first place. That is what Paul is saying in the passage beginning in Ephesians 5:18.

CONCLUSION: 

Way back in the beginning God spelled it out. As early as the second chapter of Genesis, He made it clear that marriage is a total commitment of the total person for total life.  Anything less is not a Christian marriage. Anything less can easily fail. But when man and wife come together, committed to God and committed to communicating the full meaning of their lives to each other, they cannot help but succeed.