Intimacy is one goal of a healthy marriage union; an objective that often
proves illusive. While intimacy is more than mere idealism, it is a process,
and should not be viewed as a destination. It is important to understand that
the journey together is what matters. It requires a growing man and woman
investing his and her person selflessly into the other’s experience. By God’s
grace this will strengthen and maintain marital vitality throughout their life
time. It also provides a palpable defense against unfaithfulness and those who
prey on weak or fractured marriages. In light of these worthwhile goals, God
stipulates that married couples leave, cleave, and become one flesh (Gen. 2:24,
25) to build the correct type of intimacy into their marriage! The marriage God
formed in the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve still serves as a viable
blueprint for married couples today (Gen. 2:18-25). He made the first married
couple for Himself and each other. The Lord God gave them beneficial marital
instructions that are appropriate for the institution of marriage in all
generations (Matt. 19:4-6; Eph. 5:31).
This idea of biblical intimacy; however, stands in stark contrast to the
swinging mentality and the false notion that extra-marital affairs are
necessary to sustain a marriage. Intimacy requires the total investment of our
complete person for the welfare of our marriage. A marriage does not have to
become stale and boring over the course of time; by following God’s
instructions it can deepen, broaden, and provide more meaning and satisfaction. Such marriages are pleasing to the Lord because they glorify Him as His Word is obeyed and proven true in a couple's experience. Thus the married couple and God are blessed by the intimacy of the
relationship.
Still what exactly is marital intimacy from a biblical perspective? Note
the words of the Apostle Paul regarding marriage and the fundamental principles
for developing a healthy marriage. He writes,
For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be
joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. [32] This is a great
mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church (Eph. 5:31-32).
Paul identifies leaving, joining, and becoming one flesh in this text as
essential pursuits in marriage. This relates to separating from parents,
sticking permanently to your mate like superglue, and deepening the
relationship spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, and physically. The
phrase “the two shall be one flesh” means two persons growing into oneness as
their goal throughout the course of their married life. Paul recognizes a life-long process that
requires the investment of two souls influenced by God’s grace and guidance!
On the more delicate side of intimacy, Solomon affords us a glimpse in
the Song of Solomon of his youthful love for His Shulamite wife. Notice what
she says with regards to her husband,
Awake, O north wind; and come, thou south; blow upon my garden, that the
spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his
pleasant fruits (Song 4:16).
The phrase “Let my beloved come into his garden” is poetically stylized
and refers to her invitation to her husband to come claim her entire person–
“garden”—as his own. The Shulamite portrays herself as his open inviting
garden; recall before she was a closed garden (Song 4:12). She describes
herself as “his garden,” thus signifying voluntary surrender to physical love
in marriage (1 Cor. 7:3–5). Once again there is a strong indication of a
necessary process and specific experiences of intimacy on the spiritual,
intellectual, emotional, and physical levels.
One author, who understood these principles well, describes intimacy as
closeness and understanding writing,
There should be vivid feeling of closeness, mutual commitment, growing
understanding, and a constant effort to connect with ones mate on every level.
A more touching definition of intimacy might be expressed as a young married
couple did. The young wife said intimacy means that even when she's not
thinking about her husband, she's thinking about him.
Yes, intimacy is oneness—a growing harmonious solidarity—a meeting of two souls that
eventuates into the closeness of soul-mates. It requires both complete
individuals generously pouring themselves into each other to realize one new
existence—marriage.
Finally, the success of a marriage depends largely upon spiritual and
emotional maturity. Being good
Christians brings stability to a marriage, but this alone does not automatically
overcome the poor choice of a partner or any personal inadequacies brought into
the marriage (MacDonald & MacDonald). Psychological satisfaction or
happiness for a Christian couple must involve maturity. The Lasswells gave this
helpful insight:
Ideally, marriage partners in our society should be two adults who are
physically, socially, and psychologically capable of modifying their
individualities into mutually acceptable patterns that will bring them more
joys than sorrows in their lifelong relationship with each other.
Maturity is related to this ability to modify ones behavior to give a measure of happiness to another. Always bear in mind that complete satisfaction and happiness can never come from another human being. Only God can provide this as each spouse grow in depth and intimacy with Him first and foremost. When both individuals are growing up in the Lord, the
marriage will be strengthened and reinforced to the benefit of both mates. This
does not mean we cannot make a difference in our marriage on our own (1 Pet.
3:1-6), but the chances increase greatly when the couple invest themselves into
each other by God’s grace (1 Pet. 3:7). Do not give up on developing the
marriage relationship God designed you and your spouse for. Trust Him for it
and grow to increase the value of your investments into your mate.
As we look closer, we note how Paul was praying for Believers to have power (inner strength from God), and to be rooted and grounded in godly-love (Eph. 3:16, 17). This creates an atmosphere where Believers are deeply established in love and are being nourished and refreshed in Christ. This all transpires through Christian interaction and holy fellowship. Thus, it is together with all the saints that we are able to grasp how wide, long, high, and deep the love of Christ truly is. These are measurements describing the immensity of Christ’s love—it is actually incomprehensible and inexhaustible! However, we can know experientially the love of Christ, which far supersedes all knowledge (Phil. 4:7). The more we Christians know about Christ Jesus, the more amazed we will become at Christ’s love for us. The benefits of such knowledge are compounded and realized through our interactivity.
Christ’s love is to be realized on the experience level in each of us Believers and in relationship (Eph. 4:13). Such an experience actually influences each participant to love each other. Regarding our position, Believers are already viewed as one in Christ; experientially we are to love each other as one in Him. This truth readily applies to our relationship with our spouse. Legally a couple is one, but they must grow to become one in actual experience. The love of Christ, though it is incomprehensible in many degrees, can be shared, realized, experienced, given, and received in the context of relationships. Why not experience the love of Christ with your husband or wife. The key is to grow in your knowledge of Him—experiencing His love. In doing so, we grow in our capacity to love another God’s way. Those who are loved, can actually share love, express love, experience love, and receive love in relationships. The impact on a marriage is a deepening loving life with your spouse. Certainly this will glorify our Lord. Make the choice, spend some time, and invest the energy to deepen your love for your spouse.
