“Adopting God’s Order for Husbands”
1 PETER 3:7
SUBJECT: SUBMISSION AND MARRIAGE
THEME: Each believing husband is to submit to God’s order in his marriage.
RELEVANCE: the best husband first views his marriage as an expression of his submission to the Lord. Abandoning the ‘traditional,’ ‘romantic,’ and ‘institutional’ models of marriage he freely clings to God’s Order. He is not loyal to his wife primarily nor worldly models; the Christian husband is devoted to Christ first—above all. He fully submits to Christ’s authority in his life and seeks to guides his family accordingly.
INTRODUCTION:
First, what is marital chaos? What is it like when matrimonial structure is absent?
“Marital chaos is a state of severe, chronic conflict and instability within a marriage, transforming it from a supportive partnership into a high-stress, unpredictable environment. It is characterized by constant, intense arguments, lack of trust, emotional distress, and potential, or actual, separation or divorce. It often involves a breakdown in communication, with partners in a cycle of hurt, blame, and, sometimes, apathy.”—AI Overview
Most marriage problems are normal and often solvable with better communication, clearer boundaries, and shared habits. The most common marriage issues include communication breakdowns, intimacy changes, financial stress, parenting conflict, and uneven household labor.—Matrimonial Chaos - Wikipedia
Beloved,
God’s Order or Marital chaos…there really is no serious comparison here. Again,
the common theme of the preceding chapter 1 Peter 2 and this one (Chapter 3) is
submission to the Lord even in unfair circumstances! Therefore, the husband
must likewise first accept God’s Order for marriage, which brings us to our
first observation and the continuance of hope or the establishment of the same.
MESSAGE:
HUSBANDS MUST ADOPT GOD’S ORDER IN MARRIAGE.
1 Pet 3:7, Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge,
giving honour unto the wife, as unto
the weaker vessel, and as being
heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
I. LIVE WITH CONSIDERATION FOR HER, Vs 7
Now the apostle turns to husbands and shows the corresponding duties they must fulfill. They should live considerately with their wives, showing love, courtesy, and understanding.[1]
Peter exhorted Christian husbands to give their wives two gifts of love: understanding and respect.[2]
When a Christian husband obeys the Lord in this regard, his wife will not legitimately sense from him a lack of appreciation, mere utilitarian use, rejection, devaluation, misunderstanding, distance, anger, frustration, criticism, jealousy, inadequacy, or coldness. If any of these conditions really exist, there is a solid platform to communicate with each other through the difficulties.
A. Consider Spending
Quality Time with Her. “Dwell with”
This phrase means to dwell together. It is true we all want provisions, security, connection, and belonging, but a wife needs these in a more amplified manner. Many of her needs are addressed by spending quality time with her.
1) Understanding Her
Involves Building Depth in Your Relationship.
The Husband is to actually spend some quality time with his wife. Husbands are to live with her in close togetherness. This is much more than living under the same roof. This is instruction to take responsibility for deepening your closeness. Often understanding requires courage as a wife and patient consideration as a husband.
The first protest of a good provider would be, “Well I’ve provided a nice home and a good living for her, what more could she ask for.” The truth is that material things or animals can never satisfy our sociological needs or our desires for thoughtful companionship. Material things will answer some small physical needs but you both still require the opportunity to share your souls with each other. The deepest sharing and togetherness is with the Lord Jesus, but a second is throughout life a husband and wife are to share themselves completely with each other. It takes real courage and trust to deepen this dynamic.
Remember,
Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden demonstrated God’s design for marriage and
companionship—togetherness. Again, Gen 2:18, says, “And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be
alone; I will make him an help
meet for him.”
1) God
designed the profound community essentials of man to be meet through a human
counterpart, his wife. In Genesis 2:18, “help
meet” mean ‘helper,’ ‘succour,’ and
‘corresponding counterpart.’
2) A
husband, out of humility, has an innate
(inborn or essential) necessity to cultivate oneness with his wife. Most
godly men require the sweetness, sensitivity, and tenderness of a faithful
wife.
3) When
God provided Eve, all of Adam’s material needs were already satisfied before
his creation in the Garden of Eden. God helped him come to this conclusion—man needs
a corresponding counterpart in a wife.
4) Essentially,
God helped Adam recognize his personal and essential need for a wife, and Eve
was His provision. She was not intended to replace him, lead him, or compete
with him, but to serve God together with him as his appropriate helper. Her
role was different from the very beginning.
5) Eve
was created for the high purpose of being Adam’s most intimate companion. This
means that she was adequate for him, complemented him, and corresponded to him
and he to her. God intended for Adam to lead Eve from her very beginning.
6) Accordingly,
merely being a good provider for your wife and family does not satisfy all your
needs to connect with her deeply as companions.
There will also be an element of mystery and intrigue, but a husband and wife are to provide answers into each other that cannot be discovered with mothers, fathers, sisters, and brothers. It means there is more to a godly woman than the need to connect and there are more than a mere few choice things to satisfying a man of God. It is the responsibility of a husband to lead this exploration and remember the goal is holiness and not merely happiness. It takes courage, humility, patience, and a willingness to grow together in the Lord.
2) How Can We Build Deeper Understanding?
You must spend meaningful time together! It may mean giving up a favorite TV series, fewer trips to the gym, or the golf course. It may mean leaving the Internet alone and disciplining the use of your time more. It may mean stopping the overtime when you can avoid it and calling home when you must be late. Give her your complete attention with listening, eye contact, and trying to empathize. Not merely talking but dwelling with her! The following are some other helpful suggestions.
a) Become Dissatisfied with Anything Less Then Oneness. View it as inconsistent with the scripture to have a shallow affiliation with your wife. Refuse to merely live together and just exist in the same household. Take some honest inventory and endeavor to fix your relationship with the Lord’s guidance. Gen 2:24, Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
b) Create a Climate of Trust
We must reassure our wives of our fidelity—our faithfulness. Leave no room for doubt in her mind. Talk with her about anything she is uneasy with. Avoid little white lies, withholding relevant information, emotional or literal disloyalty, harmful flirtations which could create distrust, avoid harmful situations which could lead to misunderstanding. It is only through a deepening sense of trust that we develop greater intimacy with our wives.
c) Spend Time with Each Other
Intimacy comes when two people spend quality time together. This means limiting our time with ‘friends’ and social media to make time for your spouse…we treat the marriage union as a priority. We need time to talk together, walk together, celebrate together, think together, plan together, and dream together. Keep your promises, you do not need to be too critical of every little things, and face up to reality with the goal of becoming holy in the Lord. This does not eliminate a husband’s leadership; it simply helps him understand his wife and her need for assurance from you. With out this dimension in your marriage ‘something will seem missing’…it will not provide the joy or insight God intended and both of you so desperately need.
“Several years ago, a twister swept through the farmlands of Kansas and
touched down right of the farmhouse. The force of the wind lifted the room off
and set it down about fifty feet from the house. It also lifted the bed on
which the husband and wife were sleeping and set it down in the front yard. Immediately
the wife began to cry. “Don’t cry,” the husband consoled, “Everything is going
to be all right. You don’t have to be afraid.” The wife responded, “I’m not
crying because I’m afraid. I’m crying because I’m happy. This is the first time
in five years we’ve been out of the house together!”
God’s plan for your relationship is that it be an ever growing and deepening experience with each other.
B. Consider
Limiting Social Media Involvement.
Social media outlets strive on female involvement and use! Some women would be ashamed of some of the stuff they posted or their general immodesty…advertisements…. Many western wives and potential wives were ruined by social media! Avoid content creators who are not living examples of what you want. Stir clear of worldly ideas from people more interested in the algorithm and telling you what you want to hear because it secures them likes and hearts. Remember they are trying to make a living on your engagements or comments!
1) Secrecy
between a husband and wife is not a part of God’s plan for marriage.
Couples who cannot see each other’s online activities or they do not share their social media accounts tend to be hiding something about their online activity. God still can see when we obscure our actions incognito! I have seen one member share freely their social media accounts while the other member carefully concealed their actual activities. What hypocrisy!
2) Options can
prevent total commitment to your spouse.
More options do not provide more clarity; they only add to the confusion. Who is in your DMs? Who did you give your number to? Are you using your phone to be sneaky and secretive? What situations do you tolerate? Are you paralyzed by multiple options…unable to decide because you are convinced you could do better? Have you ‘settled’ until something better comes along?
3) Distrust multiplies
as your inconsistencies and lies become more evident.
Your activities poison your future relationship with her because your character is gravely flawed. This is also true for her. Your spouse detects the flaws early on, weather they say so or not…. The results are eroded trust… loss of confidence…discarded or phony fidelity. Building a foundation of reliability is vital for you both to grow in the Lord.
C. Consider the Many Descriptions in Scripture.
1) The Book of Proverbs is packed
with warnings and illustrations of the wrong and correct type of person and
habits. We would be wise to pay careful attention.
2) The Bible is also replete with
portrayals of a God-fearing persons as well as examples of godless people. These
should inform and warn us.
3) While ‘perfection’ is out of the
question, growth starts with honesty—transparency, confessions, and
repentance—before God and integrity with your spouse.
4) Heb. 4:12, says, “For the word of God is quick,
and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the
dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a
discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart”.
The Word of God as living, active, and penetrates deeply to judge the thoughts and goals we have. Beloved, this is the transformative power of Scripture to convict, expose inner motives, and reveal truth. God gave us His word to aid our exploration of holiness, and to aids our marriages tremendously.
D. Consider Knowing
Her Well; Pay Attention to Her. “According to knowledge”
This embraces the idea that husbands should actively study, understand, and respect their wives’ specific needs, emotions, and character to build a thoughtful, considerate, and loving marriage in Christ. We are to live with insight rather than ignorance, providing tailored care, and honoring them as equal heirs of God’s grace. This obviously requires you to pay attention to her.
Not only should you know her favorite color, restaurant, or shoes, but you understand best how she is put together. Husbands are to explore, investigate, and inquire into her person; the inclination to be more self-centered in great, but you need to pay some quality attention to her.
QUOTE: “Your wife is a unique vessel, carefully crafted and beautifully interwoven by her Creator. To “know your wife” means to know the answers to the complex questions about her. What is her innermost make up? What are her deepest concerns and fears? How do you help her work through them in the safety and security of your love? What does she need from you? Why does she respond as she does?”—Charles Swindoll
Gentlemen, no one else can supply the answers to these questions about her. While more experienced wives can provide helpful insight around certain duties and obligations, a husband must have a curiosity that move him to understand her. Make it your quest to regard the natural cycles and more intriguing mysteries of your wife. As you do this, you’ll unlock other rooms and compartments of her innermost being worthy of your exploration. Her opening up to you will become normal and natural. Trust will escalate and understanding will increase. She is not required to be mysterious or secretive, but men do not necessarily understand women in general. This “knowledge” comes primarily as you cultivate intimacy, it takes time. It takes listening. It takes paying attention, concentrating, praying for insight, seeking understanding, and refusing to use such knowledge against her. Ask God to help you understand her!
QUOTE: “Now, the
phrase, "according to knowledge," is descriptive of a man's manner of
life with his mate, a woman's need, wherein he studiously gives himself to the
task of perceiving her rather unique needs, and then follows in applying
himself to the skillful fulfillment of those needs. To live with a wife in an
understanding way is to dwell with her, guided by a correct assessment of her
womanly nature, and by a correct identification of her roles and her duties,
over against your own roles and duties. It speaks of a manner of living
characterized by sensitivity, by a close consideration of her femininity, and
by the needs and desires which properly emanate from both.
About his wife, a man needs to understand such things-as I
have been slow to understand-as that there
needs to be times when a woman can cry without giving her husband an objective
rationale to support it. Fourteen years I have been married, and while the
lesson is somewhere in my head, all too often there is failure on the practical
level-and an indictment, thus, of my manhood.
A man needs to live with his wife understanding such
things as her acute need, for the praise and the gratitude of her husband- understanding
her need for intimate and undistracted communication- understanding her
need for practical help with dishes and diapers and floors and vacuum cleaning,
etc., etc.- understanding her needs and her temperament, when the manner
of woman is upon her.
A true man is not a brute. He is a wise, perceptive and lifelong student of his wife. And his understanding, first on the level of perception, then works out on the level of skillful fulfillment of needs perceived.”—George Mcdearmon
APPLICATION: Many wives would give their right arm for a husband that really knows her. Few things give a woman more security than her husband really understanding her. She may not even support each decision enthusiastically, but she is confident she is understood. This is what results in intimacy; it turns romance into a deep, lifelong agape-love. Frequent open and honest conversation will help a couple to arrive at this reality. Do not ignore, disregard, and neglect her; refuse to allow yourself to become indifferent towards her. “DWELL WITH HER ACCORDING TO KNOWLEDGE”!
For many men, there are no new discoveries here. Perhaps a
few reminders of how important this really is. To be a student of Christ is
essential for every believer and husbands need to be studious concerning their
wives. My biggest disappointment in myself is that I was never consistent in
this area. No doubt each marriage has special or infrequent developments that
have proved challenging and somewhat disconcerting, but it is always
advantageous to follow God’s order staying away from the possible chaos that
could ensue. Don’t allow yourself to be distracted by work, the house, the
yard, a hobby, sports, or even TV and the internet. Pay careful attention to
your wife; she represents a special gift from God to you specifically.
[1]
William MacDonald, Believer’s Bible
Commentary: Old and New Testaments, ed. Arthur Farstad
(Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1995), 2268.
[2]
Roger M. Raymer, “1 Peter,” in The
Bible Knowledge Commentary: An Exposition of the Scriptures, ed. J. F.
Walvoord and R. B. Zuck, vol. 2 (Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1985), 849.
