Why Is The Tongue So Difficult To Control?

Why Is The Tongue So Difficult To Control?

I recall an extremely dark day in my early teen years…if only I could erase my vicious rant from my family members’ memories. On that shameful occasion, I bellowed out some dreadful things to an entirely innocent person. We were playing baseball at my aunt’s house, and things were going well for the most part. Many of my family members and cousins were having a great time in a friendly game of baseball. That is until I was supposedly tagged out on second, when I clearly was safe. It was one of my cousins (a cancer patient) who tried to tag me out, but actually missed me altogether as I heroically slid into second base. I was safe. My cousin felt he had tagged me out when he caught the ball returning from the outfield. He had indeed reached for me in a rather clumsy attempt, but he was clearly too slow and too late. Accordingly, I insisted I was safe by a mile!

We started to argue…the confrontation rapidly escalated a few decibels. Inside, I felt justified regarding my claim, but a strange form of mercy within me felt it wrong to haggle too harshly with my very sick cousin. I was angry, perplexed, defensive, and frustrated…I could not freely defend myself because of his cancerous condition. It was not a fair argument…then he pushed me…. My entire insides were fuming, but this same strange mercy restrained me from reacting in kind. In a matter of seconds both teams were arguing…the situation continued to degenerate!

Finally, my aunt attempted to bring the sad state of affairs under control. Trying to resolve the matter, she addressed me directly. I was so angry that I took aim at her and fired off the harshest retorts I could muster. Everything I wanted to say to my cancer plagued cousin, but somehow could not, I mercilessly unleashed on her. My poor aunt was sandblasted by a barrage of the vilest sarcasms I have ever belched out in my entire life! She was undeniably disconcerted at my venomous histrionics as I stormed and thundered on. All the while, she was careful to maintain a safe distance between herself and me. I even recall real fear registering in her eyes…. The entire scene was categorically explosive… an extremely painful memory. I still have difficulty believing I actually did this.

My pride, my willful defense of myself…somehow, the embarrassment I felt, the sense of injustice, and yes an untamed tongue on a seriously violent rampage. These memories are still painful as I record them; I am deeply ashamed of my behavior. The extreme forms of disrespect…the degree to which I gravely dishonored my parents as I lambasted the sweetest aunt I have. My actions were exceedingly sinful. She did not deserve the way I treated her; in fact, no one did.

While I understand there were many dynamic elements influencing that event, one fundamental component was my failure to control my tongue. As you know, my problem is deeper than what I actually said. But, why is the tongue so difficult to control? How is it that I lost control of my tongue hurting some of the dearest people in my life? This is not my only story about a lack of tongue control, but it was one of my worst. The fact is my problem is quite universal. Note the words of James,

For every kind of beasts, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea, is tamed, and hath been tamed of mankind: But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. (James 3:7 & 8)

James recognizes that we have been effective in training animals in remarkable ways, but the human tongue remains untamed, wild, and therefore dangerous. Many can vouch for the impossibility of controlling the tongue by mere human strength because it is restlessly unruly and deadly poisonous. It was D. A. Carson who said,

The tongue, then, is restless. Restlessness is a characteristic of the demonic world and evil, while peace is a characteristic of God and his good kingdom. The tongue is always wanting to say something; often poison that produces death. The murders committed on behalf of a tyrant come about when he issues orders. We experience something similar on the personal level when we speak evil and realize that it has brought death to us rather than life.”(Carson, D. A.: New Bible Commentary)

Yes, we all have stories similar to mine where we said some pretty awful things that we later regretted. Several things can be noted in relation to taming the tongue and bringing it under control based on the words of James.

TONGUE CONTROL IS NOT ACHIEVED SOLELY THROUGH HUMAN DISCIPLINE

We assume we can train and discipline ourselves to control what we say. That is, we make up our minds and determine to change. We bite our tongues refusing to retaliate. We vow to never say certain words again. The list could go on for a month! While the motive is good, the method is ineffective for the most part. Effective change can never be found in the strength of our flesh. The Spirit’s control of the heart and mind of the believer is the key. He generates love, longsuffering, meekness, and temperance in believers’ character effectively limiting the restless nature of the tongue (Gal. 5:22, 23; 2Pet. 1:6, 7).

Human discipline is a good thing and is not to be diminished in any way. In fact we must decidedly cooperate with the Lord to experience real change. God gives us heavenly wisdom which is marked by righteousness and peace, and therefore militates against worldly wisdom which breeds confusion and conflict (Js. 3:13-18). The Spirit of God’s contributions to our change is most important (Wiersbe). Only the Spirit of God can curtail our speech by His influence on our thoughts, values, beliefs, and motives. Do not miss what I emphasize here…the control of the tongue is an inside job wrought by the Holy Spirit!

WE MUST ACTIVELY STORE UP THE RIGHT KIND OF SUBSTANCE IN OUR HEARTS

This may sound a little strange at first, but the Lord Jesus said,

O generation of vipers, how can ye, being evil, speak good things? for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh. [35] A good man out of the good treasure of the heart bringeth forth good things: and an evil man out of the evil treasure bringeth forth evil things. [36] But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment. [37] For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned. (Matt 12:34-37)

Obviously, Christ felt the tongue was connected to the human heart, and that the mouth utters what is in the heart. If we have deposited healthy ideas, belief, values, and thoughts in our hearts and minds, then that is precisely what we will say. If we have saved up evil things in our hearts and minds then that is what comes pouring out of our mouths most effortlessly. If good goes in then good will come out; if garbage goes in then garbage will come out! Our Lord calls us to sober considerations regarding what we say. Speech is a weighty matter in the eyes of the Lord and James clearly views tongue control as a mark of genuine spiritual maturity.

Once again our Lord echoed this same concept in Luke 6:43-45, where He said,

For a good tree bringeth not forth corrupt fruit; neither doth a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. [44] For every tree is known by his own fruit. For of thorns men do not gather figs, nor of a bramble bush gather they grapes. [45] A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.

The nature of the tree determines the kind of fruit it will bear. It is only within the precincts of our new nature that we can exercise tongue control. Our new nature is the good treasure God has placed within us. In addition, we must fill our hearts with God’s Word, Bible truths, godly values, and yield to the Holy Spirit. He can use us to bring delight to others, and we will be like refreshing fountains and trees to those we speak with. The focus must be upon God and His Word, which are able to renovate our hearts and minds. We must fill ourselves with God’s truth and frequently bring our minds to the old Book for training, indoctrination, and values orientation. Thus the new nature will dominate our personality and lives.

THE PROBLEM, OF COURSE, IS NOT THE TONGUE; IT IS THE HEART

The best strategy for problem solving is to get at the heart of the problem. My wife is a strategist and analyst and one of her favorite statements is “Don’t waste your energy on symptoms; get to the heart of the issue.” When it comes to the control of the tongue, the key is to get at the heart of the problem because the heart is the problem.

First examine the condition of the heart. Take a serious heart examination. Be sure to make a thorough go of it because it is easy to have “bitter envying and strife” in our hearts (James 3:14). Again remember the words of our Lord Jesus, “But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man” (Matt. 15:18). Though it may be utterly humiliating, we have to admit that we have gathered and appreciated some pretty wicked stuff in our hearts. For some of us, we like our sins or do not consider obvious sins to be sinful any more. We rationalize our speech failures explaining away any responsibility for the way we handle people with our words. We like intimidating others with the things we say so as to prevent people from seeing our fears and vulnerabilities. Speaking our minds with brutal frankness is highly valued by some of us because we desire respect above all else. With our words we conceal, hide, and camouflage the truth to save our honor, and retain the respect of those we wish to impress. If anger and fear rule the heart then it is certain the Spirit of the Living God does not.

Maintaining a clean heart has not been a controlling value in our Christian experience. We have not kept short accounts with God, and we have actually enjoyed some elements of sin. In fact, we have provided safe harbor for certain pet sins in our souls. But only transparency with God and honest confession of sins to Him assures us of a clean heart (1 John 1:5-2:2). We need not go through the remainder of our lives pretending and living lies. Truthfulness with God will set us free!

Secondly, we must undertake serious efforts to safeguard our hearts recognizing their influence on our decisions. The wise King Solomon says, “Keep thy heart with all diligence, for out of it are the issues of life” (Prov. 4:23).  We know the “heart” is the wellspring of our actions in life (Luke 6:45), therefore it must be guarded and kept pure with great care.  The word “heart” includes our intellect (understanding, Prov. 10:8; discernment, 15:14; reflections, 15:28), our emotions (Prov. 12:25; 13:12; 14:10, 13), our values (Matt. 6:21) and our will (Prov. 5:12). This is nothing less than the very core of our innermost being! The heart must be guarded!

God characteristically begins with our innermost being, and then gradually works His way outward to our behavior. He targets the heart first. God focuses on the inner life, the mind, the thoughts, the motives, values, and the desires. This is because the heart is the fountain from which our actions spring—“the issues of life.” Discipline requires that we select carefully what we put into our minds and hearts. Beloved, this directly applies to our interactions with any media source or outlet. There is an abundance of trash in or on every media outlet known to mankind. We must find healthy ways to participate while being decisive about refusing the junk. Be very thoughtful about what you tolerate and are willing to live with.

One writer explains that if the fountain is pure, the stream that flows from it will be pure. As a man thinks in his heart, so is he. So through Proverbs 4:23, God emphasizes the importance of a clean heart and thought life. The inner person has to be right, because that is the source of all else; but outward behavior is not just left to work itself out by chance. We also have to pay attention to speaking correctly, looking straight on, and walking with exactness. This is a matter of discipline. God will certainly do His part, but we must discipline ourselves to consistently execute our responsibilities as a matter of faith in God and His truth. Respond faithfully to what God is doing deep within and act on his commands with zeal and commitment. While the human tongue is impossible to tame for mere human beings, it is no match at all for the Lord.

Thirdly, I leave you with an examination tool. I do not recall how it came to me, but it is a helpful tool for self-examination. I have used it with good results and confidently pass it on. Let’s examine ourselves with these questions: 

·         Do I teach others things that I have not obeyed myself? 

·         Do I criticize others behind their back? 

·         Is my speech consistently clean, edifying, and kind?  

·         Do I use “minced oaths” such as gosh, golly, gee, jeepers, good heavens, heck? 

·         After a solemn church meeting, do I engage in levity talking about football scores?  

·         Do I pun on the Scriptures? 

·         In retelling a story, do I exaggerate in order to impress people more?  

·         Do I habitually tell the truth, even if it means loss of face, friends, or finances?

Since that dark and ugly summer day so many years ago, I have had other failures with my tongue. Most of them have been with the people I love the most. I hate hurting folks…especially those I love. Therefore, it is wise to keep at it daily so as to reduce the number of verbal infractions. Faithfully stay in the Word and walk in the Spirit so as to avoid saying things that bring discredit to our Lord and the Christian Faith. Put some effort into memorizing the Word so that healthy content is in the thoughts. Study and meditate on Bible truths in order to deepen the impact of Scripture on motives, desires, and values. It would also be wise to limit the amount of time with television and movies! Take serious precautions with the internet. Select your music with care, and decisively refuse the soul-pollution commonly passed off as music. Many times the lyrics are debased, wretched, disrespectful, and inundated with sensual innuendo. I am far from perfect in all regards, but I can honestly say, I am no longer that guy from that awful summer afternoon long ago.