Struggling To Forgive!?

Mark 11:25-26; Eph. 4:31–32

Old hurts cannot be ignored. We must forgive those who have hurt us to obey the Lord, and to prevent personal destruction and spiritual shipwreck. As stated in a related article, an unforgiving heart is an issue that nearly all of us are confronted with along our journeys. An unforgiving attitude that is permitted to take root in our hearts, fester, and grow is both painful and destructive. Some regard it as the essential source of many physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual problems plaguing our society.

The apostle Paul wrote to the Ephesians saying: “Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: [32] And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” (Eph. 4:31–32)

·                Paul was describing the manifestations of an “unforgiving heart” when he spoke of bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking.

·                An unforgiving spirit goes beyond a temporary unforgiving attitude, which is the period in the life of a Christian between the time a person is hurt and the time he forgives the one who has hurt him.

·                An unforgiving spirit develops when we choose to remain in an unforgiving state toward a person who has wronged us. It is when we opt to hold on to the pain!

An unforgiving heart is summed up in this remark: “I don't think I could ever forgive that” (Stanley). We feel we have been dealt with in such an unjust, harsh, embarrassing, unfair, harmful way that we refuse to let go of the pain.

·                We all must face the fact that we all will be hurt. We have been hurt, are hurting now, or are going to be hurt by somebody in some area. The only way we can insulate ourselves against being hurt is removing ourselves completely from the possibility of love. To risk love is to risk being hurt along this journey.

·                Hurt is unavoidable, but we can deal with hurt. No pain is too deep or too widespread to be beyond the power of God’s forgiveness working in and through us. Being unforgiving is a choice we make with the will, and it is a bad choice.

Today we need to look at three areas related to Forgiveness:

·                Why Can’t I Forgive? (Mark 7:20-23)

·                Why Should I Become Forgiving? (Heb. 12:14-17)

·                Where Do I Begin? (Mark 11:25-26)

I.                  Why Can’t I Forgive? (Mark 7:20-23)

The Reason for an Unforgiving Spirit is a Carnal Heart; until we deal with our lack of spiritual power and grace we will never develop a forgiving heart. People have an unforgiving spirit for three primary reasons.

A.     BECAUSE OF CARNALITY IN THE FORM OF PRIDE.

                                                 1.      Mark 7:20-23, says, “And he said, That which cometh out of the man, that defileth the man. [21] For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, [22] Thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lasciviousness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness: [23] All these evil things come from within, and defile the man.”

                                                 2.      We simply do not want to forgive because we believe that in some way, forgiving the other person will diminish us (Stanley). We’re afraid that people will think we’re weak, and our pride cannot tolerate such ‘additional humiliation.’

                                                 3.      In other cases, we may not want to admit that we have indeed been hurt, or to confess that we are finding it difficult to forgive. We fear people will look down on us for feeling hurt or for having an area of weakness in our spiritual lives.

                                                 4.      And in still other cases, we may enjoy the attention and consolation that we receive from others who know we have been wronged. To forgive would be to step out of the limelight of their concern (Stanley).

                                                 5.      In all of these cases, our unforgiving spirit stems from pride and saving face with associates. For many people this is a good enough reason for hanging onto an offense against us. Actually such actions only reinforce a highly detrimental stronghold in our lives and contribute to our downfall (Prov. 16:18)!

B.     BECAUSE OF CARNALITY IN THE FORM OF CONTROL.

                                                 1.      Not only carnality at the core of our spiritual expression, but also the need or desire to control life, developments, situations, and even people.

                                                 2.      The Apostle Paul said in Romans 12:19, “Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.”

                                                 3.      Again in Romans 12:21, he said, “Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.”

                                                 4.      This is closely linked to pride, but differs with respect to motives and actions.

i.         To fail to forgive is to harbor a desire for revenge—to make certain that the person who has wronged us is punished according to our standards of what is right and wrong, or according to our standards of what is a fair punishment.  We want to make sure that the person who has wronged us is punished in the way we choose. The only way we can ensure that is to hold on to the person, even if it’s only holding on to the person in our hearts.

ii.       We Refuse to Let Go and Leave the Person in God’s Hands because that requires giving up control in the matter. The desire for vengeance is so strong that we cannot and will not trust even God to handle the matter adequately.

C.     BECAUSE OF CARNALITY IN THE FORM OF IGNORANCE. Paul, the apostle, tells us in Colossians 3:12-13, to “Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; [13] Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.”

                                                 1.      Evidently the Believers required such knowledge and instruction to improve the quality of their interpersonal relationships. If they understood these matters, they had failed to employ this biblical strategy. Either way ignorance is the problem!

                                                 2.      Some People Don’t Know How to Respond to Old Hurts and Painful Situations. They have never been taught how to forgive and so they have not practiced forgiveness. Many are plagued with gross misunderstanding about what forgiveness actually is according to the Bible. Obviously they do not respond God’s way to offenses.

                                                 3.      Others Have a Faulty Understanding of What it Means to Forgive.

i.         Though Christ has bridged the gap between us and God so that we are forgiven once and for all, we only experience God’s forgiveness in personal, practical ways as we learn to forgive others from day to day.

ii.       None of us has experienced as great a wrong against ourselves as that which we have all done to God (Matt 18:33). God had to give up his only Son to forgive us; we have nothing to give up but our selfish natures and our unwillingness to forgive those who have wronged us.”—The Life Application Commentary Series

iii.      Worldly ideas surrounding forgiveness guide Believers more often than the Word of God and the example of God. Because these often faulty ideas are perpetuated in literature and movies they are a part of our cultural fiber. As a result Christians operate with these worldly assumptions while disregarding God’s motives and model of forgiveness.

                                                 4.      Also, Nonbelievers Find it Difficult to Forgive Others Fully Because They Have Not Experienced Forgiveness from God in Their Own Lives.  This biblical requirement is prescribed in Ephesians 4:31-32 … “forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.”

i.         God's forgiveness to us is the model for our forgiveness of others.

ii.       And in part, it is because of the power of the Holy Spirit in our lives that we are enabled to forgive and release another person fully.

                                                 5.      If You Are Struggling Today with being Unforgiving, Ask Yourself Why You Refuse to Free the Other Person. What compels you to hang on to that hurt and memory? Is it Pride, Control, or Ignorance?

II.               Why Should I Become Forgiving? (Heb. 12:14-17)

We Should Develop a Habit of Forgiveness Because an Unforgiving Spirit Is Extremely Costly to You and Those Around You. Hebrews 12:14-17, Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord: [15] Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled; [16] Lest there be any fornicator, or profane person, as Esau, who for one morsel of meat sold his birthright. [17] For ye know how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected: for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears.

Bitterness is the key thought from this passage that relates to our subject of forgiveness. Sometimes bitterness is rooted in an offense or hurt that has not been dealt with properly or God’s way.  The hurt individual can become a “root of bitterness” and thus poison the lives of anyone within their influence.  This means damage in our fellowship with the Lord as well as any relationships we may cherish. This potential should motivate us to cultivate a habit of forgiveness.

A.     OUR HURT CAN CAUSE US TO HURT OTHERS (Heb. 12:15) “many be defiled”

                                                 1.      Our Pride and Our Desire for Control Are at the Heart of Our Trying to Have the Upper Hand over the person who has wronged us, to seek an advantage over the one who has caused us hurt.

                                                 2.      Our Hurt Can Also Cause Us to Take out Our Bitterness and Resentment on Others, even those who may not have hurt us directly. (See also Matt. 18:23–35)

B.     WE HAVE NO REASON TO HARBOR AN UNFORGIVING ATTITUDE (Heb. 12:15)

                                                 1.      Every Believer Has God’s Available Grace. “lest any man fail of the grace of God” The word "grace," refers to all the benefits that God has bestowed on his children. Believers should “diligently” encourage each other to appropriate these blessings, because these will help us remain faithful. Too often we "miss out" because we are not aware of certain of God’s promises, teachings, or guidance.

                                                 2.      No One Has a Right to Harbor an Unforgiving Spirit (Eph. 4:31–32). The Cross strips us of that right. If Jesus Christ—pure, sinless, without guile or any shadow of deceit—died on the cross to forgive you, you have no right or privilege to deny that forgiveness to another person who, in reality before God, is in the same position you have been in: a sinner in need of forgiveness (MacDonald).

                                                 3.      Forgiveness of Others Is Essential. There may be excuses for us to harbor an unforgiving spirit, but no excuse is a justifiable reason before our heavenly Father. He commands us to forgive.

C.     THE CONSEQUENCES OF AN UNFORGIVING SPIRIT ARE MANY (Heb. 12:15). Note these words in Hebrews 12:15, “lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you.”  I’ll list four troubling consequences of an unforgiving spirit:

                                                 1.      You Will Suffer Damage in Your Fellowship with the Lord. The Holy Spirit will continually bring your unforgiving attitude to your mind until you deal with it. You will feel deep restlessness and uneasiness in your spirit until you do. Furthermore, the Holy Spirit cannot empower you as an unforgiving believer. Your ability to minister to others will be stunted.

                                                 2.      You Will Experience Damaged Relationships. You are likely to have relationships marked by anger and fighting—sometimes with what seem to be volcanic eruptions of rage.

                                                 3.      You Will Experience Emotional Bondage. Your memories may torment you, causing you to relive again and again the pain you have experienced. You very likely will find that you have little capacity to love others or to receive love. Intimacy may be difficult for you (Stanley).

                                                 4.      You Will Suffer Damage to Your Physical Being. Unforgiving attitudes put an overload on the nervous system, and eventually, a fuse will blow in some area of your body. The physical body was not designed by God to endure the long-standing stress caused by an unforgiving spirit (Stanley).

                                                 5.      But There Is Good News! You Do not Have to Settle for an Unforgiving Spirit (Eph. 4:31–32).

III.           Where Do I Begin? (Mark 11:25-26)

      You Must Deal with Your Unforgiving Spirit; this is inescapable.  To be responsible with the information you have received you need to develop the discipline of forgiveness.  

A.     NOTICE THE RECOURSE WE MUST TAKE.  The Lord Jesus said in Mark 11:25-26, “And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses. [26] But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses.”

                                                 1.      The First Step is Turn to God for Help.  To conquer an unforgiving spirit, recognize your need for God’s help to remove this mountain and the power of believing prayer (Mark 11:20-26). 

i.         I also personally believe that God ministers grace to His people as we abide in prayer before him in utter humility (Prov. 3:34; James 4:6; 1 Peter 5:5).

ii.       Confess to Him that you have harbored an unforgiving spirit. Ask Him to forgive you for your unforgiving attitude.

iii.      Ask Him to release you of the pain as you take these steps. And believe, by faith, that He will do so. Remember His grace is always sufficient (2 Cor. 12:9).

                                                 2.      The Second Step is Identify the Offender.  In dealing with an unforgiving spirit, identify the person or persons who have hurt you. They may be someone you encounter frequently or someone who lives miles away. It may be someone close to you or someone who has died. It is vital that you give a face to your violator and offender.

                                                 3.      Thirdly, Follow The Steps of Forgiveness.

i.         Forgive Them. Because you are in the right, you have power over the other persons. Please don’t abuse that power (Matt. 18:28-33).

a.       Forgiveness and “forbearing one another” are important to relationships because it is inevitable that we will hurt each other (Col. 3:13). We fail. We blow it. This is reality. We are all wounded human beings who wound each other. We cannot have lasting relationships unless we know this and know that we will have to forgive ourselves and the other person (Eph. 4:32; Col. 3:13).

b.       Forgiveness, however, does not mean that we are to pretend that everything is fine when it is not. Forgiveness is not a bandage. It is a process.

c.       Forgiveness involves (1) facing the hurt we have experienced, (2) talking about the hurt, (3) feeling whatever we feel, (4) trying to solve whatever problems are involved, (5) asking for what we need, (6) accepting the other person’s limits and (7) letting go of the hurt and of our demands.

ii.       To Forgive is to Forget.  This does not mean that the memory of an offense against us will immediately disappear, but it does mean we will not bring up the offense again in the future.  It also means we refuse to allow the offenses to control or dominate the relationship.  We reduce it to a nonfactor once it has been forgiven. Though we may still remember what transpired, it exerts no meaningful influence on the relationship.

iii.      Explain That The Violation Must Never Happen Again.  Forgiving others does not mean allowing them to continue to hurt you.

iv.     Remember Their Better Moments. We all have our highs and lows. It takes maturity to treat people according to their best qualities.  It takes love to believe the best for them and about them (Phil. 4:8; 1Cor 13:7, 8).

                                                 4.      Fourthly, Weigh Carefully the Consequences and Choose to Exercise Godly Wisdom.

i.         James 3:17-18 says, But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy. [18] And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace.

ii.       Choose to be easy to approach and work with and consciously pursuit peaceful relations whenever possible. Be willing to show mercy to others as we all will need mercy from others.

iii.      God will not forgive you as long as you harbor a bitter unforgiving spirit (Mark 11:26).

iv.     Remember Jesus promised we will have the things we utter in prayer (Mark 11:23-25).

v.       Then draw a line between all your pain and the hurt that has occurred in the past. And declare, “By the grace of God, I release them today. I refuse to hold these things in my heart and memory any longer. I choose to be free of the pain they have caused me.” (Stanley)

                                                 5.      Trust the Lord to Help You.

i.         Choose to take a new direction in your life, one that is free of pain and bondage associated with old hurts and past suffering.

ii.       If you continue to think of things the hurtful party has said or done, do the exercise again. If other people come to mind, release them also. If you have an unforgiving spirit, you may very well need to forgive several people. Deal with each person you believe has hurt you.

B.     NOTE THE RESULTS WE CAN EXPECT. Hebrews 12:14 counsels us to, “Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord”.  Peaceful relations and a holy walk before the Lord are priceless outcomes! Life is happier, free, and filled with spiritual riches! The results of taking this act of your will are these:

                                                 1.      Your Memory Begins to Be Healed. You will think less and less often of the offending person, and each time with less hurt.

                                                 2.      You’ll Begin to See the Person You Have Forgiven in a New Light. You are likely to see the person you have forgiven as a sinner in need of God’s forgiveness, and you likely will have more compassion for him or her.

                                                 3.      You’ll Begin to Experience Freedom in Your Emotions and in Your Ability to Relate to Other People. You are no longer in bondage to that person and you are likely to feel free to relate to other people more readily. If you have been afraid to risk loving another person, you likely will have the courage and strength to take that risk.

                                                 4.      You May Also Experience Reconciliation with the Person You Have Forgiven. That is not always the case, but sometimes it is possible for there to be a coming together again in friendship or love (Stanley).

Thus through the previous article “Forgiving is Liberating” and this one we have considered five areas related to forgiveness:

I. Forgiveness is Setting Someone Free (Luke 7:39-43)
II. An Unforgiving Spirit Is Hatred (Luke 6:27-31, 35-37)
III. The Reason for an Unforgiving Spirit is Carnality (Mark 7:20-23)
IV. An Unforgiving Spirit Is Extremely Costly (Heb. 12:14-17)
V. You Must Deal with Your Unforgiving Spirit (Mark 11:25-26)

Those who receive forgiveness from God are expected to extend forgiveness to others. And those who extend forgiveness to others are in a position to receive God’s forgiveness. Jesus said so in Mark 11:25–26. The challenges of life sometimes reveal to us that we have not forgiven others, and therefore, we must stand in our own sin and are subject to its consequences, which are never pleasant.

The Lord calls us to willingly forgive others. When we forgive those who may have wronged us, we are in an advantageous position to receive forgiveness from the Father.

To fail to forgive is to harbor resentment, which can grow into bitterness, which in turn always brings us into adverse relationships with others. To fail to forgive is also to harbor a desire for revenge—to make certain that the person who has wronged us is punished according to our standards of what is right and wrong, or according to our standards of what is a fair punishment. The Scriptures teach that we are to leave vengeance to the Lord and not take it upon ourselves (Rom. 12:19). Anytime we attempt to act as the judge, jury, and law for another person, we are in danger of being judged ourselves.

Again, if you choose to remain in an unforgiving state, the effects are like a slow poison that works in the soul and spirit (Stanley). An unforgiving spirit is always corruptive, destructive, and degenerative. Choose to be free of the bondage associated with an unforgiving heart. Choose to forgive!